May, you’re supposed to be BETTER. What is wrong with you?

Well, so far, nothing. The woman I interviewed with for the part-time job send me an email about a full-time job that opened up in the company around lunchtime, and encouraged me to apply for it. My sister gave me the email of the person who opened up the job and I emailed them early this morning, but I haven’t heard anything yet. I was super grateful for the lead, though, and definitely thanked her profusely for it. She is super nice.

Still getting bitten. My sister and I forgot to put the cover on my box spring and won’t be able to do so until later this week. I’m not entirely sure it’ll fix the problem but right now I’m so apathetic about it. I feel like I deserve this at this point. I’m such a terrible person, I deserve to be chewed on by horrible horrible little bugs that simply won’t leave me alone.

I’m having horrific nightmares, so I wake up exhausted, and even more run down. I went to bed and got up on time today, only to wind up going back to bed and sleeping most of the day. I don’t remember the nightmares I had last night, just that I definitely had them, but the ones from today’s sleep were pretty awful.

I was on a large commercial plane, where they hadn’t given us enough fuel and air, so we had to dump people out of the plane in order to reach our destination, which I guess was China or something. We were over an ocean for most of it. I was one of the few people who were chosen to live, and I had to watch as we’d throw people out of the plane, or even participate. At one point, we put them in a Navy ship and sank it, complete with all the Naval personnel as well. I have no idea how this worked, what with being in the air, and over an ocean, to land and put a bunch of people in an aircraft carrier, which we then flipped over and watched sink. Out of a full plane, only like, four of us survived, aside from the crew, and we kept going past other airports and I was like, “WHY CAN’T WE JUST LAND AND GET MORE GAS AND AIR?” The answer was “Because air is rationed, so it won’t matter if we stop, it’ll just waste more gas.” There was some bizarre part in the middle about a haunted amusement park that pops up in my nightmares a lot, and then later we landed on this weird island that was inexplicably explained to be owned by AIG (I asked about if their insurance would cover us?) and inhabited by bunnies, and there was this house in the middle of a topiary labyrinth. It was fabulously full of delicious desserts and cakes and breads, and smelled amazing. But the owner, who was some sort of ghost that turned into a living being, appeared and he was going to kill us. I had a sword that was made out of an African porcupine quill and I stabbed him, multiple times through the heart. He just… twisted, breaking the quill off in his body, and healed around it. That’s about when I woke up, because the four of us who had survived up until this point were trapped and unsure of what to do, while this horrifying ghost-person is going to kill those of us who had survived until this point.

I’ve felt unsettled ever since, because I sentenced all of these other people to die, and I was trying to protect the remaining handful, and I couldn’t even do that successfully. I was standing at the edge of a cliff with my broken sword, pointing it at the ghost-person, while the other survivors hid behind me, and trying to figure out how to kill something that’s already dead.

I haven’t gotten a response back from the person I emailed about the job, so my mood’s been pretty bad. I have been miserable all over, because I’m pretty much at the deadline for obtaining a new job with no prospects in sight. I had really started to believe that I might make it, that I might have a chance, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s going to happen.

I guess I start packing now? I just don’t even know…

I’m not even sure where this bad mood came from

All day, I’ve felt awful, like I want to cry. The tears are right there, hiding just behind my eyes, only held in check by my desire to not smear the makeup I’m wearing for interviews today. And once I got home, you can bet I cried. Still am, off and on.

I keep doing the math and I just can’t survive on this, I need a job that pays better, but there ARE no jobs, nobody will hire me, or even call me back. I’m desperate but so are so many other people, so I don’t even feel entitled to my own distress because other people have it worse. I still have a roof over my head, I still have a contingency plan, so I have no business being upset. Which just makes me feel worse and more miserable.

The thoughts are back. No amount of being positive is going to pay the rent and all my other bills on a regular basis.

I’m trapped and it hurts and I don’t feel like I deserve to live. I am a burden to my parents and to my friends and I can’t help it and it HURTS.

I’m crying again. I keep holding Chihiro and crying into her fur, and she’ll purr and cuddle with me for a bit. I’m not even sure if my parents will let me keep her at their house.

I feel paralyzed and helpless. I called mom after the first interview, and talked a bit, but it was noonish so she was busy and I had to let her go. She called me later after my second, and that phone call was weird. She got off the phone very quickly. I didn’t get the chance to really go into how I feel right now. Honestly, she probably doesn’t want to hear it. I’m sure she’s tired of it. I am, and I’m the one living it. It’s a wonder anybody actually reads this blog, I have no idea how interesting it is. I’m not funny like the Bloggess or Hyperbole and a Half. I want to be, I’d love to be, but that’s not how I write, how I think. I honestly am not entirely sure I feel that emotion right now.

I wish I hadn’t been born.

Late post is late

I realized I hadn’t written a blog for today last night when I was finishing my evening routine and heading for bed. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get off the computer and go to bed in a reasonable time, so I said, “I’ll remember in the morning.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA

I know better, I really do, but at least I got enough sleep?

The interviews went ok today, but I woke up feeling like crying and like I was already defeated. I don’t remember what I dreamed of, and if I dreamed of anything that might lead to that sort of mood. I was anxious when I went to bed but of course I was anxious. This is my last shot to stay here in Cincinnati, and I need to make it good.

No pressure, of course.

The part-time job as a leasing agent looks promising; she sounded like she would be interested in hiring me and was excited that I could start ASAP. As my sister works there and personally emailed my resume to her, I’m hoping that gives me some bonus points. She said she will call tomorrow, as she had one more interview and will make a decision tonight. So cross your fingers, folks.

First Watch is a different story. There are two server positions open, and they’re actively interviewing six people right now, and had another interview after me today. I am a regular there, so I think they’re a little worried about it getting weird, which I can understand. But I do have a lot of customer service experience and if I could make decent tips, it could be a good thing.

Servers work six days a week. I said I might be getting a part time job so I have no idea right now if I’d be full or part time, and I don’t know if they want someone only part time. I probably wouldn’t, if I was looking for a server. If any of those other people have serving experience, well, I’m probably dead in the water there. And a part-time job at 11.00/hour won’t pay even as much as my unemployment does now, so I’d still need to find something else. Though it sounds like she wants three days a week, so that’s 24 hours, but I’d not be making very much money. Just to get the bills paid, I’d need another part-time job for either twice the money or more hours.

I know what happens when I work more than 40 hours a week, and it isn’t pretty. I’ve already been sitting here crying, wondering what I’m going to do when I end up crashing and burning from overload. I’ll still be looking for full-time someplace but I need full-time that pays something I can LIVE on. I have a car to finish paying off and hospital bills and doctor bills and now cat bills and regular bills and student loans to pay off. And then there’s food, and gas, and other living expenses.

I guess I need to get busy on that disability paperwork, not that I’ll make enough to live on from disability, either.

I hate myself so much.

Not giving up

Where last week, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball somewhere and die, now? Now, I am fighting back. I don’t want to move back to Michigan, so I’d better find something that’ll keep me here. In that respect, I applied for a part-time job at my sister’s company, and she sent me resume and cover letter to the person hiring. I have an interview with her on Wednesday at 11:00. It would be assisting with renting apartments for four communities on the east side, and maybe once I get my foot in the door there, I can find something full time to change to.

As part time won’t pay the rent, I also applied to the breakfast/brunch/lunch restaurant I’m obsessed with. Seriously, I used to eat there every weekend, before money got really tight. I know most of the servers and one of them suggested applying, as they are down two servers and the tips are pretty good, as it’s in a nice neighborhood and across from one of the biggest malls in the city. I have an interview there at 2:30 on Wednesday.

At this point, I’ll take whatever I can get, and it’ll have to do. I just can’t give up everything I have here because of one hiccup in the road. My therapist and I talked a lot about the situation when I saw her last week, and she helped me put everything into perspective. That’s when I started looking for ANYTHING that would make it possible for me to stay here, even if it means I have to work two part-time jobs, or go back into food service. I have a lot of experience in fast food, and I have excellent customer service skills honed by both 7 1/2 years in fast food, and 5 1/2 years working with crazy people and their equally crazy and undiagnosed families. If I can juggle that, I can juggle plates of food and maintain a smile for eight hours.

I talked with my mom about the situation last week at some point, and she said that she and my stepdad are talking about selling their house. It’s a huge Victorian that is a pain to keep up with, and now that all of us kids are grown up and moved out, it’s too much house. I asked mom what that would mean, if I was living with them and disabled. Mom said that they’re wanting to find a smaller house, that has an attached apartment for me, so then my living costs could be better controlled, I’d have my own space, but they’d be right there if I need them.

I had already been crying, but this made me cry harder. Here I’ve been feeling like I’m being held at arm’s length and nobody wants me, when they’re planning on finding a place with my specific needs in mind, so it’s available if I need it.

It’s nice to know that things aren’t as bad as I tend to make them out to be.

Interrupting Post

I thought I should maybe create a tumblr ask blog for Prozac in my Cornflakes, so people can ask questions anonymously and I can post some of the great things I’ve found on tumblr for you guys.

The name is “prozacinmycornflakes; I know you’re all surprised.

So if you’re on tumblr, add prozacinmycornflakes. I’ll try to get wordpress to publicize to both of my tumblr pages.

Another conversation with a friend

(Clarification: This friend lives in New Zealand, and thus was awake when it was obscenely early o’clock, so I felt a little less awful for talking to him, than calling anyone local.)

Me: sorry I was so weird the other night
I was getting really manic… and then my parents’ internet crapped out
which probably saved you from a lot of weirdness.
Him: Oh? I wasn’t aware. You were fine. :3
Me: I hate it when I’m like that.
it led to a whole lot of awful with my family the next day
Him: *offers hug?*
Me: I can’t stop crying
Him: I’m at work now fyi
Me: and it’s really unfair of me to point this in your direction
Him: Should be ending soon
It’s fine.
I can take it.
Me: it’s just a lot of family drama
I went home over the weekend for my sister’s bridal shower
and got manic, so I was really out of it on Sunday during the shower
and did nothing but piss my mom off again
so I’m pretty miserable right now
and so I’m being really awful and dumping on you, because you’re the only person who has any reason to be up thanks to timezones
as it’s 3:59 in the morning
Him: all the hugs.
if you were having an episode out of your control and she doesn’t recognize that then fuck your mum.
Me: I know I shouldn’t necessarily be making excuses for other people’s bad behavior
but I know it’s coming from a place of pain
because I remind her so much of my dad
so she’s always trying to fix me, and any reminders that I’m sick and will never be better is met with anger and hostility
Him: Not really an excuse though.
Me: no… but it’s easier to accept when I reframe it like that
I don’t deserve it
I’m literally a victim
Him: you really don’t
Me: but it’s easier to accept being victimized over and over again because I can’t fix it, when I can see why I’m being abused
Him: brb
Me: and god that looks horrible when I write it out
Him: …back. and yeah it really does.
Me: and any time I try to point it out, I just get yelled at and told I’m just acting like a victim and I need to grow up
and… it’s always been like that
and it hurts
Him: That.. sounds toxic.
Like. Incredibly so.
Me: yeah, a bit.
and no amount of talking about it with her fixes it
but right now I’m rather dependent on my parents to help me, y’know, have a place to live
as unemployment doesn’t pay all the bills
Him: oh god. When did that happen?
Me: February
I got fired.
Him: Argh
Me: and I can’t find another job
so I’m looking at maybe having to file for unemployment
and there goes the rest of my life
Him: Why?
me: because the American safety net is a lot more like a spider’s web
you can’t escape it and it eats you alive
I would lose pretty much all of my autonomy for a pittance
and would end up dependent on SO MANY programs to be able to have a place to live, food, insurance so I can have medication…
I would only be able to see a limited number of doctors (and not my own, they don’t take Medicaid) and they’re all burned out and overworked
Him: Oh god
Me: I’d end up relying on a case manager who’s some fresh out of college kid like I was, who’s just trying to get started, and mostly likely does not give a shit, but I will have to rely on them advocating for me, because the system is set up so I can’t advocate for myself
most of the programs require a case manager to sign off on it, along with a psychiatrist
so I’d be at the system’s mercy
and having been on the other side of the desk?
the system is pretty merciless
Him: Shit.
Me: and then, if I was able to go back to work, all those programs would get ripped out from under me and I'd have to start over again
and if I became unemployed again it would start all over again.
so…
Him: I’m so sorry Nadja.
Me: And my parents have made it VERY clear that they have no interest in me having to live with them.
so I am pretty much thinking I would be better off jumping off a bridge.
than be at the mercy of all of that.
Him: I really hope you don’t.
I hope it doesn’t come to that.
Me: me, too
I’m hungry, and I should probably go to bed
I’ve finally stopped crying
thank you for listening
Him: You’re more than welcome.
Take care.
Me: Thanks.

I’m just so tired, deep in my bones.

I’m crying again.

Today’s post was written a few hours after yesterday’s, which was written shortly after the day before, so you’re getting a night’s worth of torment stretched over a couple days. Sorry about that.

The more I think about it, the more I’m realizing that the constant cycle of disappointing my parents in some way isn’t a new cycle. It’s just amplified because I’ve been independent and don’t visit often. My stepdad and I fought through most of my high school experience. Mom has never really accepted my mental illness, so I’ve been hitting resistance for that since the day I said I thought I needed help because I was depressed, which was years after it had all started.

Mom said that she’s got twelve years of my dad behind her, so thinking about my illness is hard for her. She wants to deny it. I’d love to as well, but I’m the one with it stuck in my head, so I’ve got to face it.

It’s been seventeen years since mom remarried, and most of that time I’ve been fighting with my parents over something, all the time. I’ve never understood it, because I was the good kid. I made good grades, I had a job, I tried SO HARD to please them, but it’s never really worked.

But it occurred to me a little bit ago in the shower, that it’s coming from a place of fear, more than anger.

I scare the shit out of my mom, because I’m so much more like my dad than like her. I’ve got the mental illness, I’m fat, I’m more type B than A. I hate that I am like him and have spent years in therapy working through that, but I don’t know if mom ever really has. I know my sister is so much more like my mom, and she doesn’t really struggle with mom like I do. She and my stepdad still battle, too, so at least that one’s not really me. He also is coming from a place of fear, too; he’s constantly trying to make up for his daughters’ shortcomings by being hard on us three. And because we were all pretty good kids and we did as we were told for the most part, and we were there 100% of the time, unlike his daughters who came on the weekend, we took the brunt of that fear, as well as the brunt of his alcoholism. I have been on the receiving end of the alcoholism for my entire life, but I face it.

I guess that makes me brave, that I keep fighting back, and working so hard to better myself, but it feels like I just continue to fail over and over again because I can’t be whatever it is my parents want me to be. It’s impossible because I am my own person and I can’t change the fact that I have bipolar disorder, that things that other people can take in stride can trigger me really badly, like seeing an action movie too late at night or having too much fun at once can trigger mania, or how alcohol makes me panicky, or how I end up depressed whenever I’m criticized because I just feel like a failure all over again.

I know my parents love me. I do. I just want them to understand me and accept me as I am, instead of trying to make me someone I’m not and never can be.

The thoughts are so bad tonight. I can’t get past feeling like such a disappointment and that my family would be happier without me there, being the black sheep, the one that makes them feel uncomfortable because I’m so broken. I feel like such a burden and so beaten down because I can’t find a job and my whole life is up in the air. My parents don’t want me to live there with them, so I feel like there’s just no real point anymore.

I don’t even know who I could call right now. It’s hard when most of my support network is part of the reason I’m depressed and hurting. It’s 3:48 in the morning, too, so it’s hard to call people that I know would be cool with the call if it was, y’know, daytime, but they have lives and jobs and waking them up to sob in their general direction isn’t going to make their lives very comfortable the next day.

I should just go to bed, but I wanted to get some of this out of my head.

I just wish I could be who my family wants, so they weren’t so inconvenienced and burdened. And as I can’t be, I just don’t know if it would be better if I just went away.