Sometimes the most telling posts are the short ones.

One thing I’ve noticed, is sometimes when I’m at my most depressed and sick, or my most manic, I don’t write much, but what I do write is pretty poignant.

From my LiveJournal, January 19th, 2011:

I don’t know what to do and I’m running out of ideas. I’m trapped, and I’m scared, and I can’t make the thoughts stop. I don’t have anywhere to turn at this point. I’m out of PTO and sick time, I’m in a situation so if I don’t get my UR this month I will get fired, I’m miserable at work. I don’t know what to do.

From my LiveJournal, July 25th, 2010:

Still awake. I had about seven- maybe eight?- servings of caffeine yesterday (which is still today as far as my brain is concerned) and that’s about six- or seven- more than I’m used to. My brain is currently wired for sound, and I’ve now done the dishes and cleaned the catbox and sitting on my hands to keep from scrubbing the house from top to bottom to get rid of this energy.

Should I take something so I can sleep and further screw up my circadian rhythm, or let this lovely case of caffeine-triggered mania run its course and screw up my head?

Decisions, decisions…

From my LiveJournal, April 27th, 2010:

Oh, bollocks.

From my LiveJournal, November 11th, 2009:

Gotta love being told you’re worthless for about three and a half hours straight. -_- I’ll be hiding under my covers if anyone needs me…

From my LiveJournal, September 26th, 2009:

Ah yes… full circle to the “I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE” portion of the caffeine/mania crash. Nothing to see here, folks. I’ll just go to sleep now before I decide to do some Grand, Stupid Things…

From my LiveJournal, June 21st, 2009:

I realize that I haven’t posted anything in a bit, but I simply don’t know what to say. There are so many things I want to do, and yet I can’t seem to make myself actually do them. There’s yardwork to be done and my bedroom is a mess and I need to do some laundry. The washer and dryer were delivered on Thursday, and then the delivery/installation guy broke one of the water lines so the plumber had to come and he fixed it yesterday, so I finally have the facilities to do laundry, and yet I haven’t.

I want to write. I want to read. I want to do so much and I just can’t seem to make myself do it.

Guess I need to just get off my ample white derriere and do it, then. Ciao.

From my LiveJournal, May 16th, 2009:

I think the happiest thing that happened today was that it was Friday. Other than that, it was not so happy.

From my LiveJournal, February 5th, 2009:

Dear world,

I am so very sorry I inconvenienced you by existing. My sincerest apologies. How shall I amend this grave misdeed? How can I possibly redeem myself for daring to be born? Let me know and I’ll get right on it.

Sincerely yours,
-The Nadja who is swiftly losing her will to live

From my LiveJournal, January 29th, 2009:

I can’t stop thinking about taking another clonazepam. I’ve already taken one. I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about them when I had a panic attack at work and took one to calm down, and I wanted more.

Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I feel like this just when things were finally starting to make sense again?

From my LiveJournal, January 22nd, 2009:

Damn it.

Just damn it all.

From my LiveJournal, October 9th, 2008:

When I catch myself realizing that I don’t care about the future because I don’t see myself there anymore, when I realize that I can’t even fathom trying for grad school because I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point where I can afford it, and that fact doesn’t horrify me, I realize something is probably wrong. When I realize it doesn’t bother me at all, I wonder if I’ve gone numb, but is numb really so bad? Numb is preferable to too depressed to move, anyway.

From my LiveJournal, October 7th, 2008:

Why does it hurt so bad? Why is my mind tearing itself to pieces? Why am I here? What’s the point to it? Am I really making a damn difference? Is there any point to my continued existence? I just want to sleep and never wake up, never have to feel again. Put me in a medicine coma so I don’t have to feel anymore, so I don’t have to think, so my mind will stop replaying every stupid thing I’ve ever done like it’s some kind of damn drive-in theater and taunting me with it. I hate myself so much. Why am I here?

From my LiveJournal, May 15th, 2008:

Not dead. Nothing else to report.

From my LiveJournal, January 25th, 2008:

Dear brain,

SHUT. UP. Just because I’ve been reading dystopian cyberpunk and about the horrible lives of the Phelps children does NOT mean it’s time to get all morose and want to die.


Get that through your gray matter.

No love,
-Your host, who is really hating that sleep aids make her hallucinate, ’cause you need to shut up like yesterday.

From my LiveJournal, January 21st, 2008:

It’s funny how.. twitchy my mind gets late at night. Especially after finding something cool, like the Appleseed stuff. (Bwee Appleseed Ex Machina! Bwee I say!) I feel manic and twitchy and utterly exhausted on top of it. I should go to bed, but I don’t want to. I kinda wanna throw a hissy fit, complete with foot stomping, screeching action.

“I don’t WANNA go to bed!”

And that’s as far back as I’m going to trawl for now. Still, interesting to see. I notice January doesn’t treat me well as a general rule. I wonder if I cycle the same every year? I’ll have to look…



Filed under Then

8 responses to “Sometimes the most telling posts are the short ones.

  1. Wow! I bet you can pretty much interchange those posts with any day of the year and have it be accurate, huh? I’ve felt ALL those ways too. Ok so now I’m going to copy you and take a gander at some of my old myspace (does that even exist anymore?) blogs…

    At the very least, you’ve inspired someone today…

    • I’m glad to hear that! It’s weird, how I noticed some of the depressed ones are within days of each other, each year. THAT was odd. Evidently, January is a bad month for me.

  2. More than likely it has something to do with that good old menstrual cycle. I know that my moods fluctuate greatly depending on what time of the month it is, but it never occurs to me to take that into consideration.

    Ok so I lied a little…I went back to read my old blogs but nothing was inneresting enough to post…lolz!

    • Hmm, good point! I hadn’t considered that. I’ve been on birth control a looong time, because on top of my bipolar disorder, hypothyroidism, and tendency towards hyponeutremia (drinking too much water and throwing my electrolytes out of whack a lot of the time,) I also don’t produce my own estrogen in sufficient amounts to have regular periods. Therefore, I’ve been on birth control since I was about twelve. Mine are usually at the end of the month, but I move it occasionally to accommodate vacations. XD Seems how I can currently set a clock by my cycle (four o’clock on Tuesday of that week) and my PMS has mostly abated, I hadn’t really considered it as a factor. Hmm. Good thing to consider!

  3. Pepper

    A bit of seasonal-affective stuff, maybe? Winter kind of sucks for me too. Just gimme that vitamin D in a bottle and let me go on my merry way.

    • That’s kind of what I was thinking. My psychiatrist asked a couple visits ago if I wanted to get one of those “happy lamps” (I know it has a name, I just can’t remember what it is) and I declined, but now I’m thinking it might be of some use.

      That, or January just sucks.

  4. Pingback: So… I need a direct infusion of happy. Can I get that in an IV? | prozacinmycornflakes

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