I’m rather prone to depressive symptoms, but my mania has been memorable- at least for everyone else. I don’t really remember the true doozies. One year, I think it was my junior year of college, I did my master syllabus in crayon, and my logic when my roommate asked was “It’ll be pretty!” I evidently then cried myself to sleep afterward. I don’t remember a lick of it, just my confusion the next day when I found the aforementioned master syllabus. My roommate told me what I’d done, and I was completely flabbergasted. Manic symptoms always take me by surprise. Usually I’m mostly hypomanic, and friends or coworkers will ask me if I’m okay because I’m bursting with energy and cannot stop talking, but I don’t often do something completely bizarre.
For the most part, I’ve experienced most of the gamut of symptoms common to bipolar disorder. Monday morning of this week I got to add “hallucinations” to my litany of symptoms. Usually I have the depressed mood, tiredness, listlessness, and suicidal ideation, and sometimes a hefty dose of insomnia, though that’s more related to when I have a panic attack or too much caffeine. I got all of that this past weekend, and had bad panic attacks all night Sunday night, resulting in me not falling asleep until sometime between 4:45 when I heard the clock and 5 AM. My alarm clock to go to work went off at 7:30 and I was hallucinating kittens. Honest-to-God kittens, everywhere. Some were far too small for a real kitten, some were the size of golden retrievers, all in the delightful orange color of my own cat. I called in to work- how good can I be when I’m hallucinating kittens the size of golden retrievers?
The only other time I hallucinated was after a bad reaction to a sleep aid, Sonata. That time I thought my fishtank was a giant glowing fish, and my roommate’s blanket, which was hanging off the edge of the bed, was a giant snake and going to bite me if I moved or called out for help. I lay there for eight hours in horror, staring at it, afraid to move or even blink, until my roommate woke up and ‘rescued’ me. I know I shrieked like a little girl when she moved and the blanket moved with her.
Kittens are a nice step up from giant snakes, but I’d rather not add hallucinations to my repertoire at all.
Thankfully, I did not have a repeat of kittens when I woke up for the second time yesterday, after I went back to bed upon calling in for work. The only kitten in attendance was the one who’s supposed to live here, and she was the correct size and disposition. Also, not a kitten, as my cat is five years old.
Dear lord, I hope I never hallucinate again. That shit is spooky.