On being a burden, redux.

I am utterly addicted to the “Dashboard” function of this site. I check it obsessively throughout the day to see if I’ve suddenly had a spike in activity and maybe more than like, six people are reading now. I noticed that there’s a section for keywords people have used to find this blog.

bipolar disorder, what is bipolar disorder, biplor diorder, bi-polar disorder, how to stop being a burden

How to stop being a burden? When I saw that, my heart broke and I wished I could follow that search back to the person who wrote those words and hug them. I know that feeling (I have a post called On being a burden, after all) and it’s so painful and exhausting. I don’t want my loved ones to have to live with the burden that is me for more than they have to. But still, it’s one thing to think it, and another thing to see other people thinking it.

We are not burdens, no matter what the headbeasts say. Our families and friends love us just as we are. As my Christmas card from my little brother said this past year, “I love you and all your neuroses equally.” Sure, we drive them nuts from time to time, but that’s part of being alive. Everybody drives everybody nuts at some point. Even people with no illnesses to speak of, with normal white-bread boring lives, perfect relationships, and probably perfect hair and teeth to boot, are still annoying at times. (Just thinking about the fact that people like that might exist is annoying me.) It’s okay. We are not burdens. Anyone that has told you that at any point in your life? They’re wrong.

Now to just keep telling myself this until I believe it, so maybe when I say it to other people, they believe it, too. XD



Filed under Now

2 responses to “On being a burden, redux.

  1. searchingforsolace

    I do that too — check the dashboard every day to see if my views have gone up at all.

    But I know it took me a long time to accept that the people around me were around me, dealing with me in-spite of everything, not out of some odd sense of duty, but because they /chose/ to be. Not everyone did, I lost a lot of friends, but I still felt like the ones still around were out of duty or obligation, that I was a burden. The truth was that I had to cast off my own burden of my heavy opinions of myself.

    I’m glad you decided to speak to that person. I bet there are a lot more out there that didn’t happen to type it in.

    • Yeah, it’s something I struggle with in particular when I’m in the middle of a downswing. It makes life a bit complicated, and miserable, as my brain is out to isolate me, it seems. Even though my family and friends tell me over and over that I’m not a burden and they want me to call them if I need them, I feel a bit like the boy who cried wolf if I do try to utilize that support. I’m worried I’ll alienate them and when I *really* need the support, they won’t be there anymore.

      Gotta love the wacky brain chemistry at work…

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