Here I sit, Monday morning. It is 4:35 AM, and I cannot sleep. The weekends are the worst; my sleep cycle gets awful in a few short days, because I have the luxury of sleeping until noon; now, I have to be up in three hours for work. I want to call off so I can sleep, as I am completely useless on little sleep and I know it, and I miraculously have nine whole hours in sick/PTO time right now so I could if needed. I don’t want to, of course; I am still in Situation A at work and need to be pushing for units. I don’t want to slide into Situation B and get a 30 day demand to get the units or GTFO.
When my sleep cycle gets screwy, I can’t stop thinking about self-harm and suicide. I just had the most violent imagery of cutting, of stabbing out my eyes, which is horrible and makes me cringe and rail against whatever invader is in my head to GET THE HELL OUT, I DON’T WANT YOU when it’s still whispering “You’re crazy, why do you think you can work? You should be on disability, you’re a farce. You’re useless and you should just kill yourself and spare the world of your uselessness.” Ugh. I’m sick of this. I thought January was OVER, but I’m not immune to this crap just because it is one of the other eleven months of the year.
Happy Valentine’s, everybody. May your brains not be out to self-destruct and may you love yourself despite your neuroses. As my brother said in my Christmas card, “I love you and all your neuroses equally.”