The sinister side of my hobbies.

I have a confession to make. I’m a huge Transformers fan. I try really hard to keep this blog as anonymous as I can, but considering how huge the fandom is, I think I’m relatively safe (and also, most of my friends know about this blog anyway.) I’ve noticed I tend to have a meltdown around each convention I attend, usually afterwards when the temporary mania of the convention is over and I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn’t attend a Transformers convention in 2005 due to simultaneous car and computer death eating my savings, and evidently I was relatively sane in 2006? That, or I didn’t post anything. Otherwise, well, it seems that conventions might just be the death of me, fun as they are.

From my LiveJournal, August 3rd, 2004:

My stepfather has just ripped into me for not confirming that I was taking the truck. Apparently getting permission for these things is not enough. *eyeroll* Urgh, I have this marvelous weekend only to return to my family. Yuck. Why must they be how they are? I can feel the disapproval of my hobbies radiating off of them. What the heck do they want me to be, a little clone of them? Eh? Boring and firmly rooted in Teh Real World? (And yes, that is supposed to be a teh. My mom is delusional if she thinks I ever want to spend time in such a place as that.) However, I digress- this rant has been done before.

And a final note… if I managed to offend any of you over the course of the weekend, I’m really, really sorry! I’m awful about managing to offend my online friends.

*hides in her room to play with her toys*

From my LiveJournal, June 27th, 2007:

Have you ever been in the same room or vague geographical location as someone and felt totally alone? I’m getting that feeling right now. Might have something to do with the fact that I’m bumming off the free wifi downstairs. There’s only one cable in the room, so I opted to meander downstairs to use the wifi. Which is fine, but it’s kinda lonely in the lobby. I should wander back up to the room. I also worry that I’m being a terrible guest and convention buddy. That paranoia likely has another explanation, though. >_>

From my LiveJournal, July 5th, 2007:

As I would’ve run out of meds halfway through BotCon, I titrated myself down to half-doses to make them last until I could get home and get more. The doctor FINALLY got me prescriptions today. One was written wrong and thus I have to wait for morning to get it filled. GlaxoSmithKline is my hero and will give me meds from the get-go for free. Forrest Pharmaceuticals, not so much. Ah, well, I didn’t need that hundred bucks anyway.

It’s just the disease talking, Nadja. Nobody is out to get you, or hates you. You needn’t be jealous of one of your friends having a significant other that is not you. It has nothing to do with you. Hell, you don’t even SWING that way. Bitter pangs of jealousy over something like that is silly. Getting bent out of shape over a joke that falls flat on its face (like most of yours tend to do, remember?) is stupid.

It’s just the disease talking, Nadja. You were up all night puking your guts out from the con crud. You hurt everywhere and you are starting to have distorted visual hallucinations. Just go to bed and stop getting yourself all worked up over nothing. You have more Lexipro now. Take some, take a bath, and go to bed.

From my LiveJournal, July 11th, 2007:

Outside looking in

My eloquence has fled me, my ideas have dried up like so many leaves and blown away… I sit in chat and can’t think of a thing to say, I just sit there, reading, sometimes chuckling to myself, rarely contributing. My threads sit silent, minimized on my screen, for I just can’t think of anything worthwhile to add. All the while, depression gnaws on my mind, and I’m so very tired of being depressed. I want to be *normal* so very desperately. I want to feel like I belong again.

From my LiveJournal, June 7, 2009:

Insecurity

In case it isn’t obvious, I’m chronically insecure. Whenever someone else does something I do, but better (even if it’s only my perception of better,) I completely retreat and feel jealous and bitter and depressed that I can’t do whatever it is anymore because someone else is better at it. This is stupid, I know; there is nothing completely new and original under the sun. This is why I don’t write fanfiction much anymore, because most of my friends write better than I do. This is why I don’t do much beading anymore, because other people make Transformer themed jewelry so why bother? This is why I don’t strive to learn to do more than scarves with crochet, because there’s no way I could ever make some of the cute things my friends make. This is why I feel like a moron for costuming, because my friends have higher budgets and better figures so they can make better-looking costumes that look amazing on them. (The 501st always makes me feel inferior. Something about movie-grade costumes’ll do that to you…) Other people do it better, prettier, and are far more talented than I. Other people look better in costumes so why do I bother? I look stupid in pictures from TFCon.

I had a dream that my mom was getting after me again for my weight, and I finally demanded to know what it is she sees when she looks at me- me, or my weight. I have noticed just how damn negative I am about myself, because my mom is always harping on me for it. (My roommate’s lost a ton of weight but she hasn’t made an issue of it, because she knows how I feel about it.) Not a conversation with my mother goes by where she doesn’t make some comment about how I should be doing x or y, or how she’s doing at the gym. Even when I was doing DDR daily it wasn’t enough, because I really should join a gym and really get a workout! Comments like that make me want to go buy a whole damn cake and eat the entire thing because why not? I’m already fat and undesirable and my own mother doesn’t just love me for who I am. I should also lose weight because that’ll totally cure my bipolar disorder and hypothyroidism. Yep. I’ll be able to take fewer meds because medication dosage is completely related to weight, obviously. (While this might be the case sometimes, I don’t think it has much to do with psych meds.) I should just try harder and the uphill battle that is weight loss for someone with hypothyroidism, an inability to produce estrogen and is thus on birth control, and a mental illness controlled by medication which is technically weight-neutral but still affects appetite is TOTALLY easy if I’d just apply myself.

ARGH.

From my LiveJournal, June 25th, 2010:

This has been quite a trip. I don’t really have it in me to summarize… I just know I probably shouldn’t be crying at BotCon.

From my LiveJournal, July 7th, 2010:

So, angsty post aside, BotCon went really well. (My angsty moment was while I was in the midst of a panic attack about my booth, which was, quite frankly, expected. I did fine, though!)

We’ll see what this year has in store, with regards to meltdowns. I usually try to build in a “buffer” day after conventions but seems how I can’t use PTO for a full year at my new job, I’ll either be taking days with no pay, or have to create something via flexing my time and only be able to build in enough time to travel and crash (and call in sick when I’m nearly dead the following day, I suppose.) Whew. This is going to be… interesting.

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