New job, same insecurities

From my LiveJournal, October 29th, 2007:

Sabotage

On the way home, my roommate and I were talking about codependence and on how people will sabotage themselves. I was sitting here, thinking about that, and wondering why I have been feeling like sabotaging my new job. Why do I?

I’m afraid.

I’m terrified, frankly. I’m scared that I won’t make it so I’m afraid to try. I want to be a good case manager. I really do. But the required unit amount that I’ll be fired if I don’t meet and paperwork that can get me into serious legal trouble and all that are scaring me to death. What if I mess it up? What if I end up making such a mess of things I lose my job?

I’m not afraid to make waves when I have nothing to lose. When I stand to lose my job- and, honestly, the part I’m afraid of losing is my insurance- I’m just not sure where my courage goes, but it’s most assuredly no longer a part of me.

I’m on probation for the first three months. I’m out of my first “free” month where it doesn’t matter how many units I get, and into the part that actually counts now. And last week, I only met requirement on Monday and Tuesday. I was sick Wednesday, and then only got about 1/2 of the required amount on Thursday or Friday. I want to cry when I see those numbers. They terrify me. I spend a lot of time so panicky I have no idea how I’m still able to move or even breathe. I’m okay when I’m at work, because I’m so busy there, but when I’m at home all I can think about is what I’m doing wrong and how I’m screwing it all up.

I haven’t been this scared since my insurance cut off last January and I realized I was totally on my own.

It’s one thing to lose my job, I can always get another one. But to lose my insurance? To have to go back to essentially begging so I can stay sane? To be told I don’t qualify because I’m not sick enough, not poor enough? If I end up back there again, I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t make it. I cannot survive being without insurance again. The uncertainty of not knowing where my meds will be coming from, how the bills will be paid, knowing how much I’m disappointing everybody… If I end up there again, I will not come back out.

Weird. Three and a half years later, and I still feel like that. Maybe not quite as neurotic, because I know I can be a good case manager- but the stakes feel higher, now, because I need to be that much more awesome now, because the money and insurance are better, and the expectations are different enough that I feel very uneasy about them. And, of course, come May/June of most years, I have a downswing, so I’ll barely be out of probation before my mood starts to sink into the gutter. How good can I be when my mind is out to get me?

I guess only time will tell…

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