I tend to isolate from other people, and it’s particularly bad when I’m depressed, of course. But at other times, I isolate because I tend to make an idiot of myself in groups of people composed of more than myself and my cat. (I probably look stupid to my cat, too, but I have opposable thumbs and buy her food, so she tolerates me. Barely.)

I am loud and insecure and tell VERY long-winded stories (I don’t know how to keep things succinct without losing people, because the details are IMPORTANT, darnit!) and I really like the sound of my own voice. Groups of people make me somewhat manic, so all of those little quirks are magnified into this person that I don’t particularly care for, and after whatever event caused me to be in a group is over, I berate myself for days and the cycle of isolation continues, as I avoid the hell out of the people I feel I made a fool of myself in front of. I can’t decide if it’s worse when someone points out that I’m being obnoxious while I am still in the group, or when left to my own thoughts later. Either way, I feel like a jerk and an idiot and usually have a spike in suicidal ideation as a result, and my baseline mood status determines how badly I take it.

I’m tired of being lonely, but I’m more tired of looking stupid in groups.


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