So, life is sort of pointy-edged right now.

So, I ended up at the ER on Wednesday night. I wasn’t suicidal, I was just panicking like there was no tomorrow, unable to breathe, and I couldn’t stop crying, and I was afraid that if I didn’t get a break I was going to become suicidal.

From my LiveJournal, August 10th, 2011:

Why can’t I be well? I’m about this ][ close to going to the hospital because the screaming won’t stop. I haven’t really had any time off in over a year. I’ve had to miss all of my conventions, and I’m just so tired… And the yelling in my head won’t stop.

From a few hours later, August 11th, 2011:

I just got back from the ER. I explained what was going on and the doc was sympathetic, and he wrote me a note that I’m cleared for work on Monday, giving me four days off to regroup my brains. He also gave me a script for waaaay more klonopin than I’ve ever taken, but I’m not sure I’ll be taking it. It’s PRN so it’s no big deal if I don’t. I told him my dose is .5 mg 1 PRN, and he wrote me for 1 mg TID PRN. That’s six times my usual dose. I highly doubt I’ll need THAT much… I’ll be seeing my psychologist on Saturday, and I *just* saw my psychiatrist last weekend. I’ll give her a call once it’s, y’know, daytime. I need to go to bed but I also needed to eat something. My stomach grumbling in the ER is kinda embarrassing. At least there wasn’t really anyone there.

The admitting nurse was super rude, though. He made me stand there and tell him what was going on when there was a cop standing behind him, within earshot. He also seemed to doubt everything I was saying and kind of rolled his eyes when I explained that I was losing my mind but I wasn’t suicidal, because obviously that never happens. When he led me back to my room, I commented that it was absolutely freezing. “Yeah, it is,” he said, and away he goes before I can ask for a blanket. The rest of the night staff were a bit busy with a squad that had just come in with somebody so I didn’t want to be a bother. (I know, I know, repeating theme.) The lady who came to get my insurance information took pity on me and got me a blanket, at least. I couldn’t feel my hands by the time I was ready to go, it was so cold in my room. I’m trying to warm up now, all cuddled up on the couch under my Optimus fleece blanket that a friend got me a couple years ago. I don’t think I could stand up long enough to take a shower and warm up.

Nnnn, bedtime. I’m kinda happy to have a mini-vacation so I don’t lose my mind, though my paycheck is going to suffer as a result. Oh, well. I’ll live.

I am feeling better now, after sleeping from seven AM to four PM, and more or less just relaxing for a while. My roommate corrected me- I was given Ativan, not klonopin. I’ve never taken ativan before, so I’ll probably not get it filled and just shred the prescription. I’m trying to just relax and stop panicking. I know this is due to work stress, and feeling like a total loser. I keep making rookie mistakes, and while I am technically a rookie at my current agency, I’ve been a case manager for nearly four years. I tend to hold myself to impossibly high personal standards that often lead to the sort of crises that resulted in last night’s ER trip.

Hopefully, my unintentional vacation will help, because I don’t know what else to do. I just didn’t want to become suicidal out of my panic and anxiety, and I was having more thoughts than I usually do. I didn’t necessarily say that part because I didn’t want to spend a few days in the psych unit at the big hospital downtown, where I will likely know a good handful of the patients from having worked with them in a professional capacity. I didn’t think that sounded like my idea of a good time, when all I was really doing was hyperventilating and thinking of ways to avoid confronting my worst-case scenarios via killing myself. I didn’t want to kill myself to kill myself, I wanted to do it so I could save face against the awful scenarios I had created that didn’t exist. It probably looks the same to other people, but there’s a pretty critical distinction in my head.

At any rate, I’m safe now, and on my way to recovery. Hopefully.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “So, life is sort of pointy-edged right now.

  1. I’ve taken Ativan before. it’s a good short-acting benzo. If it’s covered or inexpensive for you, I’d fill it, not shred it. It’s awesome for panic attacks. Just don’t drive fo a couple of hours after taking it.

    • Yeah, I’m still waffling about it. I want to talk to my shrink about it first, but I was mostly asleep last week during her business hours and when I tried to call today, the office was closed for lunch and it wouldn’t take a message. I’ll try again tomorrow.

      • Ativan SUCKS. It knocked me on my ass so hard the first time I took it, I was three hours late to work. The next time I took it? Nothing. I’ll stick with klonopin! Thankfully my doctor doubled my dose so I can officially take it twice a day if needed.

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