Today, both my supervisor and one of my coworkers looked at me and told me I looked different today. My boss thought I’d changed the color of my (currently pink) hair, when it’s mostly just fading out until I get around to getting it colored back into a natural shade. (I dyed it pink for October, which is breast cancer awareness month, as part of a fundraiser. I love it, but I can’t have unnatural hair colors as per my contract, and this was an exception.) It might have something to do with the particularly floofy headband I was wearing, but she said I looked happier and had rosier cheeks. My coworker asked me if I’ve been losing weight. Considering I’ve been working on a steady diet of Halloween candy for two weeks, and I also don’t care, I doubted it highly. She said, “Well, you look better. Maybe you’re more… well rested.” Which is true. I’ve now had two days of the 11-7 shift, and getting to sleep until 10, for a chronic insomniac, is a godsend. I’ll now get reasonable amounts of sleep four nights out of the week, rather than two. It will hopefully drastically improve my overall mental state.
I think I just look different because I feel better. I’ve not felt suicidal in a few days, and the depression is lifting a bit. When I’m not faking it, my expression is definitely lighter and less… well, depressed. I can fake it with clients but my coworkers know me too well. Once my clients get to know me, a handful will also probably be able to tell, too. I like to think I’ve got a good game face, but I express a lot with my eyes. I’m one of the minority of people who can control the eye muscles enough to fake a smile that way, but my eyes themselves probably aren’t showing it.
It’s nice to feel better, though. I had a good appointment with my therapist this past weekend and that helped tremendously. She’s encouraging me to get out and get involved in things and enjoy myself. It’s sort of embarrassing how completely foreign that idea is. So I’ve decided, I’ve put it off long enough. Time for belly dancing lessons!