During my last downswing, which I am thrilled to say was well over a month ago, there was a point where all I could think about was the negative voices that crowd my head during those episodes. How I am a terrible, awful person who doesn’t deserve love and should probably just kill myself, and other such delights.
When I am depressed my creativity crashes, and I find myself utterly incapable of creating any of the art I usually do. I am a jewelry maker, and I also do some decoupage. When I’m this down, I usually like a very mindless activity. It helps center me, and calms my spirit, to keep my fingers busy. So, the last time I was that depressed, I went to Michael’s and spent about $80 on yarn. I bought like eight skeins of Peruvian wool, which works up like a dream and came in gorgeous colors, and some new fluffy stuff with sequins in it called Dewdrops, and some Homespun to go with it, in purples. I made a striped scarf and hat with the wool, and also a striped scarf and hat in the purples. (I was able to return most of the yarn, as I always buy extra just in case, because I can never look at a skein and actually make a decent guess at how far it will last- even WITH the yardage info.)
Both of those sets are currently waiting to be photographed and given away for Christmas, though I’m having trouble with the wool one. I have been thinking about giving it away to a coworker but I want to be able to say “this set saved my life.” I know who I’m giving the purple set to, a girl I mentored when I was in high school who my family has basically adopted, and I know she’ll understand. I’m not so comfortable with the wool piece going to a coworker. I might hold on to that one, maybe give it to my mom. I’ve already got plenty of presents for mom, but I want her to have one that shows that I’m still fighting, that I haven’t given up. Sometimes it’s nice to have a tangible reminder.