Okay, January, seriously. Don’t make me get out the big guns.

So I went on a date Monday night. I really, really like him, he hugged and kissed me after walking me to my car, and I’m hopeful for this to work out, but I’m also nervous as hell. I’m getting tired of being turned down and not really clicking with anyone. I’m also tired of being alone, especially in light of my roommate being all lovey-dovey with her beau of the last few months. I also don’t just want to survive January, I want to kick its sorry ass for tormenting me for the last seven or eight years in a row.

So why is it today, because I’m anxious about work and this guy, that the suicidal thoughts start popping up again? I don’t want to deal with that shit again. I didn’t sleep well last night and despite my best efforts, I’m behind on notes *again,* so I’m anxious about work. This agency actually *does* fire people so my nightmares of being fired are being fueled by reality more than ever. I think tonight is a long bubble bath followed by some benedryl and klonopin to sleep, and an early bedtime sort of night…

Midnight edit: So I was so anxious and shaky from the thoughts that I took my medication, including a klonopin, and then sang lullabies to myself throughout my shower, to help me relax. It’s amazing when you feel it kick in. It’s like a soft blanket is tossed over the anxiety and hurt and suddenly, it doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s like… sunshine, or a hug from your mom, or whatever it is that makes you feel warm inside and out. All at once, after anxiety and crying, the hurt is simply gone, as if it never happened. Maybe now I can sleep. (I intended to go to bed when I got home from work… Heh. That didn’t exactly happen.)



Filed under Now

4 responses to “Okay, January, seriously. Don’t make me get out the big guns.

  1. Oh god, the soft blanket feeling. My functioning is not sufficiently impaired by anxiety right now for my doctors to want to prescribe me klonopin or ativan or anything of that nature, but dear heaven I ENJOY them. Which is probably not the best sign. I’m glad it works for you when you need it.

    • Oh, I enjoy it, too, but I continually remind myself of their addictive properties when I want one just because I want one, or if I’m still anxious and not sure if I should take another (which makes me SUPER woozy and is not to be done lightly.) I mostly take them at work when I need to be able to function, or before I go to bed so I can actually sleep. I try to power through it at home, so I don’t end up dependent on them to cope with anxiety. I’m also careful to try to use my coping skills first before reaching for the klonopin. I come from a long line of addicts, I don’t need to add myself to the list.

  2. Taurus

    So i gotta ask…are they actual thoughts/contemplations of HOW to off yourself…or, is it more as if you feel your nonexistence outweighs the benefits of your existence??? That’s the way i describe my suicidal tendencies. Either way its no way to luve your lufe, huh??

    • Sometimes, I have a vague plan, but I try to stop it in its tracks before I get too far. There was a week where I was obsessed with trying to hang myself with one of my nice scarves, for example, and before I hospitalized myself years ago, I was obsessed with jumping out of our third-story window that overlooked a patch of concrete, or taking a bottle of ibuprofen. (I now know, after living with a nurse all these years, that overdosing on OTC pain meds is the worst way to go EVER and it’s not come to mind as a possibility since.) I also tend to be very worried when I’m having suicidal thoughts and driving because when I’m already going 70 mph it would be stupidly easy to careen off the road into a river or something.

      Most of the time, though, and I think this was the case when I wrote this post, it’s more that I think everyone else would be better off if I just wasn’t here. Though some if it’s more of the “I wish I’d never been born” variety and some is the “I should just kill myself and then I’ll stop being a burden” kind. It’s not a way to live, either way, and it sucks when it’s the dominant thought in my head. It’s weird how at those times, I can’t even remember what it feels like, when I *don’t* feel that way. The illness completely minimizes all happiness and it sucks that I can’t remember how I felt before, even if it’s only been a matter of hours.

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