I know I’ve talked about my college years before; for those just tuning in, I went to an ultra conservative Christian school and was kicked out of the Education program when they found out I am bipolar because, and I quote, “Bipolar people kill kids.” I got my degree out of sheer spite and bloody-mindedness despite being told that if I would just have more faith, God would heal me, and was anointed with oil countless times, and told that I might have a demon by some. I believed that I was somehow not deserving of healing and took it to heart, and nearly took my own life as a result.
I am better now. I am an atheist. I am properly medicated. I no longer let others tell me what I am and what I am not, at least to the best of my abilities. I don’t let people tell me I am not good enough. I am an activist as much as I can be, and support not only activism with regards to mental illness, but in all civil rights issues.
Even though I was a victim of the cruelty inflicted in the name of God, I victimized others just as surely. I believed the slag I was fed about gay people being sinful, and tried to convert my friends out of fear for their souls, tried to tell them the same trash I’d heard that they could repent their evil ways and become heterosexual, or just live forever in chastity.
I hate that I was so awful, and I beg forgiveness from those I hurt whenever I am reminded of my cruelty. I want desperately to redeem myself, to feel that I’ve atoned for the sins of being a fool, of being so concerned with the state of someone’s eternal life that I made their actual life a living hell.
I am so sorry to everyone I hurt in the name of God. To those I steamrolled while trying to ‘save’ them from a nonexistent boogieman, I beg your forgiveness. I am so, so sorry.