Searching for redemption

I know I’ve talked about my college years before; for those just tuning in, I went to an ultra conservative Christian school and was kicked out of the Education program when they found out I am bipolar because, and I quote, “Bipolar people kill kids.” I got my degree out of sheer spite and bloody-mindedness despite being told that if I would just have more faith, God would heal me, and was anointed with oil countless times, and told that I might have a demon by some. I believed that I was somehow not deserving of healing and took it to heart, and nearly took my own life as a result.

I am better now. I am an atheist. I am properly medicated. I no longer let others tell me what I am and what I am not, at least to the best of my abilities. I don’t let people tell me I am not good enough. I am an activist as much as I can be, and support not only activism with regards to mental illness, but in all civil rights issues.

Even though I was a victim of the cruelty inflicted in the name of God, I victimized others just as surely. I believed the slag I was fed about gay people being sinful, and tried to convert my friends out of fear for their souls, tried to tell them the same trash I’d heard that they could repent their evil ways and become heterosexual, or just live forever in chastity.

I hate that I was so awful, and I beg forgiveness from those I hurt whenever I am reminded of my cruelty. I want desperately to redeem myself, to feel that I’ve atoned for the sins of being a fool, of being so concerned with the state of someone’s eternal life that I made their actual life a living hell.

I am so sorry to everyone I hurt in the name of God. To those I steamrolled while trying to ‘save’ them from a nonexistent boogieman, I beg your forgiveness. I am so, so sorry.

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4 Comments

Filed under Now, Then

4 responses to “Searching for redemption

  1. Sounds like you were raised about like I was. But people make religon. I have realized after many years that God had nothing to do with the ignorant actions of those people and their beliefs. I wish they would realize that they are only distorting Gods relationship with us or the one He made us to have with him. I was involved in the Church of God od Prophesy growing up. My grandfather was a bishop of the church and my parents tried to drill that into me. They even tried to cast demons out of a retarded woman for several years. Anyway, I
    looked up that denominations main office and told them exactly what all that nonescense did to my mind and They sent me a person letter of appology and said they realized it now and they were repenting for the things they preached and that kind of belilef lol. Anyway God made us to have a rerlationship with with him and we have a free will.

    • Ugh, that’s awful. I’m glad they apologized, though it seems like too little, too late. I’m glad you’ve made peace with what happened, though. Everyone has to make their peace with religious abuse, just as with any other kind of abuse, and that *is* abuse, no matter what anyone says.

  2. Your activism is the best “sorry” there is!

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