I have no idea where to even begin.

Work has been crazy, I’m suddenly dating, and my life decided that it wasn’t quite flip turned upside down, so I came home to find out that my roommate is engaged, officially, as of a few minutes before I got home. There’s no ring yet, but they want a wedding in the fall.

I’ve suddenly penciled in “get my own apartment” onto the horizon, just after BotCon, where I hope I shall make a killing selling jewelry- enough to hopefully afford a move, first month’s rent, security deposit, the handful of house things I need that I don’t have because my roommate has them…

I feel angry, and hurt, and scared. I’m emotional, because I’ve been working so hard and staying late every day at work, and not getting enough sleep either due to insomnia or losing track of time (or both). That time of the month is right around the corner and wrecking havoc with my emotional state. I’m mad at my roommate for something that happened last week, when she unloaded a year of pent-up passive-aggression on me and all I could do was hopelessly shrug and apologize, as I didn’t even remember most of the things she was complaining about, much less fix it now, a year after the fact. I felt awful at the time but now I’m angry that this has been an ongoing cycle for years, where I earnestly do the dishes of atonement for slights that she won’t discuss at the time, insists they are okay, and then emotionally beats me about the head and shoulders with it a year later. We’ve lived together for nine years. I’ve mentioned several times that it’s irksome that she is so passive-aggressive about it, and I guess we need to have another chat about it.

I’m having a hard time being happy for her, because it’s so *fast.* They’ve only been dating three months, and it’s making me uncomfortable and worried. It’s not my wedding, but it is my best friend, and I don’t want to see her hurt in the end. I don’t know what his motivations are. Some inherently distrustful part of myself is very concerned that he is looking for a sugar momma, because she has a house, a nice car, no debt, money in the bank, and a great job with excellent benefits.

I’m hurt because I feel forgotten. I might feel jealous that everything in her life is going so well, when my life isn’t. I’m not sure I want to admit to the jealously yet though I’m sure my therapist will make me on Saturday.

It’s not about me, but at the same time, I have to live with me in my head, so I need to at least internally resolve the parts that are about me, and figure out how to smile and deal with the parts that aren’t.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “I have no idea where to even begin.

  1. I don’t blame you for thinking of what this guys motivation is. I mean that is an ample reason you mentioned. It happened all the time. You are right not to trust him after only three months. Of course about the jealousy thing, don’t beat yourself up over that feeling either because any girl feels that way when their best friend marries and they are single. But if you approach her about the concern about his motive, she most likely will pin that on a jealousy thing. Maybe you should do a background check on him. It might tell you something.

  2. Me again!
    There is a brand new award in the blogosphere and I have just nominated you to be among the first to receive it! Congratulations on receiving the Creative Chaos Award! Check it out here: http://http://carlarenee45.wordpress.com//2012/03/04/check-this-out-creative-chaos-award/

    Enjoy and have fun!

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