Still employed, and doing okay towards keeping it that way

Monday ended up being a wash, I called in sick due to the massive panic attack I was having as a result. I got all my paperwork done on Monday and was all caught up on Tuesday, and woke up feeling more like myself than I have in some time. It was weird, like a switch was flipped. Amazing how the status of how current I am at work, relates to my overall mental state.

I guess I should clarify what happened- last Thursday during my supervision, I’d been working on various things that had been brought up as needing attention the week before- my frequent tardiness, chatting too much, and being behind on paperwork. I’d been working diligently on those things for four days, but I was sadly still super behind on the paperwork (by like, a week by supervision, though the computer didn’t reflect the five days I’d entered that day, because they have to be processed by billing first.) So, to my supervisor, it looked like I was two weeks behind, when I’m supposed to have all documentation in within 48 hours. It… wasn’t pretty. She said, “You know this is grounds for termination,” and “you really need to think about whether or not you want to continue to be employed here.”

While this is good light-a-fire-under-your-ass language for most people, for me? It just led to a lot of suicidal self-loathing. Friday I barely moved, Saturday wasn’t much better, and by Sunday I was still pretty miserable. Monday I was able to get the rest of my notes written but had to call off due to the panic attack over thinking I’d be immediately walked back out the door once I got there. I got in to see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, and we talked for a long time about how to not go through the same very bipolar cycle of working too hard and burning out, that leads to one great month and one awful one, over and over. I’m hoping I’ll be able to temper it better so I don’t do that anymore, or at least not to the same extremes where I’m falling below 100% every other month. I came in at a measly 75%, though I missed five days of work due to four days of illness (two of which where I was physically mostly dead from a god-awful cold) and one scheduled day off. I might’ve come squeaking in at 100% if I’d been there the whole time, but who knows. My psychiatrist also finished my FMLA paperwork, which I was able to deliver to HR.

I mentioned all of this during our supervision yesterday, which went drastically better because all of my paperwork was done, including outstanding chart elements like treatment plans. I’m making a lot of progress on those things that had been mentioned and my supervisor is pleased, which makes me happy, as I’m something like an eager puppy like that, always just wanting some praise and a scritch behind the ear.

Earlier this week I got an email from HR asking when I could have a meeting next week, to go over my FMLA request and the reasonable accommodations request I submitted. It’s with me, my supervisor, the main HR lady, and our site director. Yowch. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into some sort of ominous DOOM like I’ve got it in my head. My supervisor is sure it’s no big deal, just making sure everyone’s on the same page about my needs. I can always call JAN again and see if I could get a counselor to come or at least conference call in to act as my advocate, if needed.

My progress at work has drastically helped my mood in general, and I’m again looking for a new apartment- I’ll be checking out three promising ones this weekend- and am contemplating how in the world all of my crap is going to get from point A to point B. I need to start packing and make sure I’m culling as I go.

Life is… maybe not fantastic, but better. I do have to give a bit of a shout-out to my boyfriend, as I was home alone this weekend so he kept coming over to check on me, and dragged me out of the house for food. I love him. He’s willing to stay during the dark times, and I just pray I don’t burn him out during those dark times…

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