I figured I’d be heading downhill after getting into trouble at work, which, for those who’ve been here a while, is pretty much my #1 fear that keeps me awake at night.
My mind will not stop racing. No amount of klonopin is helping. I tried to see if I could get in to see my shrink early on Wednesday (I see her next Wednesday) but she’s booked until October, so yeah. I have a therapy appointment this weekend.
I was trying to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he is kinda dense, and naive about mental illness. I told him I was having suicidal thoughts (not urges, those are different) and then tried to call him. He didn’t answer, instead texting me to say his phone was almost dead and he was busy, so he’d call me later. I worked up the courage to call him again, and then chewed him out for it while crying frustrated tears. It’s so hard to work up the courage to call someone for support. I worry about the hour, if they’re trying to sleep. If my call will inconvenience them. I worry about what they’ll think about me, what sort of weirdness this will add to our relationship.
It’s easy for a friend to say “You can call me whenever.” I know this; I’ve said it many times myself. It’s something else entirely to actually call that friend at two AM sobbing uncontrollably and get a positive, helpful response that isn’t having the police called for a wellness check. I’m not entirely sure that I’m helpful at two AM and I at least sort of get it.
I just want for this to end. I want to be normal. I want to be a good employee. I want to have a life that isn’t constantly interrupted by depression and be able to sleep normal hours without drugs, be able to go have fun and not wind up manic and out of control, be able to simply be, without hours and hours spent visiting doctors and thousands of dollars in doctor’s visits and pills. Without fearing for my job because I’m sick all the time; even though I’ve got FMLA, I’m still terrified I’ll get fired because my productivity simply isn’t there. I just want to be a good employee, one who can be counted on. Not being there at least twice a week, as it has been for a month, is NOT doing good things for that image. I just want to not live in constant fear that they’ll ask me to clean out my office and go home, and then lose my apartment, my car, end up having to declare bankruptcy to not drown in college loans…
Oh, yeah, I’m doom-and-glooming it all up in here.