I’ve always felt invisible, but lately it’s been an acute feeling. I’m fading away into the background, and to be honest, I don’t want to fight it anymore.
The whole week I was off work, my parents had the cabin. I could’ve gone up with them and been at the cabin for the first time since I think 2006? 2007? I didn’t realize they had it, until mom called from halfway there. I didn’t have enough spoons to drive the whole 11 hours, but I could’ve made it the five to their house. While they probably didn’t want me to be that far away from my doctors, the cabin is the most peaceful place on earth for me. Where better to rest?
Most of the plans my sister and I had disintegrated when she got engaged a few weeks ago. Now she doesn’t have a free weekend until probably the new year, at the rate she is going, with going to see her fiancee, dress shopping, seeing her bridesmaids, venue shopping… I’m not one of her bridesmaids. None of my siblings have had me in their weddings, though I have done the jewelry for most. I usually end up helping my mother decorate and stay by the sidelines, setting up and tearing down afterwards.
I’ve barely seen my former roommate since she got married. Actually… I don’t think I have seen her. She occasionally texts me, and we have nebulous plans to get together in the future but none of them have quite worked out.
My boyfriend never came over the entire time I was off work. He texted me, but didn’t call, or check on me if I didn’t respond (which my sister did, she was here almost every single day, until she went up to the cabin for the long weekend. I wasn’t up to the trip and stayed here.) He really doesn’t get it, and I don’t have the spoons to explain it in a way that is sensible.
My friends said hello at the Renaissance Faire, but as I am a playtron and not cast, they’re always rushing off to do other things. I love them dearly, but I didn’t really get to spend any time with any of them, and I just about keeled over from dehydration so I didn’t stay long (my longevity when it’s hot and humid is not good.) When I saw two friends at the beverage stand, said hello, turned around to order a drink, and turned back around to talk, they were already gone. That was the point I headed home, because I felt miserable about myself, and didn’t want to be in the way any more.
I’m not sure that my coworkers know what to say. I’m back, after a week and a half, and I feel horrible for leaving them picking up my slack, AGAIN, and so I’ve just been… there, haunting the place. I’m a ticking time bomb at this point, just like my dad.
Just like my dad.