Failure again.

So I’m back to being a failure and disappointment at work, as I didn’t fall asleep until 3 as I fretted over the weather and driving in it, and fretting over how my family feels about how I did while I was home, even though I promised myself I wouldn’t… I’m feeling depressed and suicidal again, and guilty. Oh so much guilt, because clearly I am supposed to be superhuman and able to overcome all of my obstacles. *eyeroll* But I wanted so badly to not let down my team today! And I don’t feel nearly as bad as I did after Thanksgiving, or after the joint therapy session, but I’m still just not in the right place for work.

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be consistently in the right place again. The kindling effect seems to be kicking in and that terrifies me. I know I am what most psychiatrists consider “the worried well,” but as my disease is cyclical rather than a few definitive episodes, like depression that often goes away? The cycle’s been getting a LOT worse in the last two years. Try as I might, I can’t seem to get well and then STAY there. I feel lost and adrift in this terrible sea of misery and I don’t know who to reach out to anymore, because I am afraid if I keep reaching out, they’ll stop reaching back.

…The site with the kindling article has some good ones about Bipolar disorder and the holidays. I tried, I tried so hard, to do well on Christmas, and I think I did, but I know I upset my parents again. Mom scolded me for embarrassing my stepdad (completely unintentionally) in front of the family. (My nephew, bless him, managed to break the toilet handle twice, and my plumber uncle fixed it the first time, so I asked him to fix it again, which upset my stepdad.) My parents have made it abundantly clear how they feel about me sleeping during the day, but I was feeling emotional and fragile, and sleeping usually helps with that. It’s definitely preferable to sitting in a corner and crying, that’s for sure. I tried so hard to convince myself I didn’t care what they thought but clearly I am lying to myself, as now I’m second-guessing everything I did or didn’t do, everything I said or didn’t say, the entire weekend, and beating myself up over all of it. I know this is in no way helpful and certainly isn’t going to help me feel better, nor is it a healthy response. I’ll call mom tonight to follow up with her about it.

I’m going back to bed.


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