Resolutions

So, I guess this is the time of the year where I reflect on the previous year. Looking back at last year’s resolutions post, I was successful in keeping my two resolutions. I survived January, quite well, in fact. The entire year was a bit more touch-and-go, but I’m still here.

My health overall has been… good and bad. My triglycerides and the rest of my cholesterol are all perfect again, as are all my other vitals, so I’m in good health physically, once my thyroid weirdness was brought under control over the summer. Cost continues to be a factor in my inability to sign up for any classes, but I’m going to continue to assess that. It’ll be a lot different once I get my MENTAL health under control enough to get to work EVERY DAY so I stop having to take so much unpaid time off.

I’ve changed so much in the last year to try and keep myself well, and it all seems to be going awry anyway. I’m pushing myself to get more sleep, to sleep in a regular cycle, to cut caffeine off so I sleep better (totally borked THAT New Year’s eve, where I didn’t sleep at all, but just stayed up after having too much caffeine. I should sleep like a baby tonight…) I’ve been confronting my PTSD and anxiety head on, which has led to some… rather unfortunate instances. I’ve missed at least six whole weeks of work this year to my illness, to suicidality, depression, mania… I’ve been so afraid I’m getting worse instead of better. Most of that time was unpaid. I have NO idea how I still have a roof over my head, but I do know my eating’s getting disordered just because I have very little food right now, so I’ve been deliberately starving myself a bit to make it stretch. I’d like to change that.

Reading back through my post from last New Year’s, though, reminded me that I had three depressive episodes in the summer/fall of 2011, which happened again this year. I didn’t have a major episode in January last year, which was the first January in like seven years without one. I’d like to repeat that, at least. As for the other episodes, well… this time there was one in the late summer that was partly due to my thyroid going wonky after seven years of stability, and then a major episode surrounding the holidays. I had a plan for Christmas, which went a little better, but there was still some pretty bad emotional fallout when I came home. I need to spend less time at home when I visit, I think. It seems too much a strain for all of us.

Some successes of the last year: I’ve moved out into my own place, which I didn’t think was possible a year ago. And I’m surviving, however tight it might be. I’ve gained my sister as an ally, and am trying not to wall her out to protect myself from the pain of losing her again when she inevitably moves- her fiance makes it no secret that he hates Cincinnati and they don’t want to live here. I have had a boyfriend for nearly a year now, and I haven’t run for my life, or run him off in one of my fits of self-deprecation. It’s actually a record. Maybe we’ll make it to our anniversary in February. Seems like we’re doing ok, if our visit on New Year’s is any indication. So that was nice.

I think my resolution for 2013 isn’t just to survive, anymore. My resolution is to survive, and continue my recovery. Seems like I spend a lot of time just surviving, and it’s something like treading water in a stormy sea- there’s always another wave bearing down, and all I can do is try to keep my head above water. I’d like to manage to get back in the boat, this year.

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