Sick and tired of being sick and tired

So, after the downstairs neighbors fought until roughly five AM, and I had a massive panic attack all night? Yeah, work didn’t happen. I slept most of the day, feeling emotionally very bleh. But last night, while willing my hands to stop shaking as I tried to ground myself and NOT be eight years old again, I wound up making jewelry, and then posting pictures to my DeviantArt account to update it with better versions of pictures already taken, along with new stuff I hadn’t posted at all. At least my panic attack time was productive, at any rate.

I’ve lowered my goal for work from “get through a week” to “get to work tomorrow.” I don’t know if it can get any more small than that, but if I can keep working on that one little piece, I think I can do it.

I know already bills will have to be floated again from one pay period to the next, to the next… I was hoping I was going to get out of this mess by now, but I guess we’ll just have to keep going.

I did make a couple bracelets today, so once there is some light tomorrow I can get pictures up and get them listed for sale in my shop. Maybe if I can just keep some creative momentum up, I can make up some of the money I’ve lost in being ill for so long, and get my head above water. Cross your fingers, anyway.

I hung out with my sister tonight, as we do every Tuesday, and she admitted she’s had a couple nightmares of finding me dead by suicide. I promised her I’d never do that to her, and said that I have contemplated a note that says “call 911 or get the landlord first” but I figured that was equally as traumatic. We agreed it’s sort of a comical idea, though it’s definitely not funny. Her being so geographically close has definitely put all spontaneous decisions in check, because I know she’d be the one who would come to check on me and find me, dead, and I can’t do that to her. I know it’s morbid, but I like having to think about who would have to find me, or who would have to clean my apartment out, because then I remember that it’s not just me being effected by my decision. It felt good to hang out with her again, as I cancelled last week so I hadn’t seen her in a while. She’s just so… vivid. Lively. It’s nice, and keeps me moving even when I don’t necessarily want to.


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