I’m not sure why, but I tend to end up having crying fits in Big Lots.

So I made it to work today, and was proud of myself for getting there. And it sort of went downhill from there.

In the ACT model, there is a psychiatrist, a nurse, a therapist, preferably LISW, a social worker with an LSW, a substance abuse specialist, a vocational specialist, and a generic case manager. I am that generic case manager on my team. I try very hard to eke out specialty areas of my own, and they keep being taken away.

At one point I was the team’s hospital liaison. A new position was created at the agency to meet with people within 48 hours of hospitalization if the case managers can’t get there, and my supervisor decided we all needed to work with the hospitals as that is the ACT model, though it confuses the hell out of the hospital staff who just want one person to call.

Until this morning, I was the team’s benefits specialist. I am really, really good at getting everybody’s benefits sorted out, such as SSI, SSDI, food stamps, Medicaid, Medicare, etc. If a resource exists, I can find it. During our meeting this morning, our new supervisor looked me straight in the eye and said, “There is no such thing as a benefits specialist in the ACT model. All benefits stuff will go to the admin from here on out.”

I felt like absolute slime and wanted to die. I already feel guilty when I am at work because I have missed so much time over the past few months, and that doesn’t make it any easier to get out of bed in the morning. My coworkers already are pretty cold towards me, because I have made SO much extra work for them. I want to crawl into a hole and die, or for them to just fire me already and get it over with.

I ended up sobbing in a Big Lots today, because, well, they have comfy couches, and I guess I just end up in there a lot. I like to go look for a break from working and just end up… breaking down. My boyfriend was supportive over text, as he was at work as well, and my phone signal was absolute crap. I managed to pull myself together and finished out the day, but it was a near thing. I busied myself when I got home right away with jewelry stuff so I wouldn’t think about this, until now, when I’ve had some time to unwind and relax.

It still hurts. Abrasive like a cheese grater, indeed.


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