Numb to the core

So for those of you who might have missed my unscheduled “extra” post this week, I lost my job on Wednesday. I’m honestly surprised I held on to it as long as I did. I was so burned out, so sick, so depressed, I wasn’t in any way helping my team and meeting my client’s needs like I should, and that broke my heart. This is better for my team and my clients, and when it comes down to it, that’s the most important part to me, because I loved my clients very much. I always do, even the ones that are awful and rude and whatever. I still love them. I loved my team, and I’m so glad it’ll be better for them now. I wish them all nothing but the best.

My brain immediately went into emergency case manager mode and I know everything that needs to be done, and I have a list and a plan and… I’m still horribly physically sick (eight days and counting, woo) so I spent most of Thursday and Friday asleep, trying to get well. I want to be able to take the world by storm on Monday but in order to do that I need to be able to, y’know, get from point A to point B without a coughing fit and exhaustion. Little things.

Wednesday night my sister came and kidnapped me, and she cooked me dinner, made brownies from scratch for work and we both sampled them for science (honestly it’s because the goofy kid forgot to raid my baking supplies and thus didn’t have enough vanilla, salt, or food coloring for red velvet brownies, seems how she doesn’t have all of those things yet and oddly enough I have like, two of several things, inexplicably.) The brownies turned out ok and the addition of some homemade frosting made them actually taste really chocolaty. She let me do my laundry there, as the washer and dryer are free.

Thursday, my psychologist squeezed me in immediately when I called to talk to them about losing my job and asking billing questions. Once upon a time, I remember either saying or at least thinking I’d commit suicide if I got fired, rather than go through this. I told her this, and said when it actually happened and those thoughts came back, my response was “hell no, I’ve got too much shit to do first.” She was quite relieved. I then went to see my old roommate, who had texted me and said I could come visit that day, as she was home. She had a printer she said she’d give to me a couple weeks ago that I just kept forgetting to swing by and pick up. Her husband had to work, so we hung out, and then she took me to Kroger and bought everything on my shopping list for me, and filled up the tank in my car. I definitely nearly cried several times in the store and thanked her around fifty times. Which was pretty much every time we made eye contact. Seeing the dog was hilarious; he was SO EXCITED to see me he had to be in physical contact with me AT ALL TIMES. I haven’t seen him since I moved out in May, as he was boarded for the wedding, and while I’ve seen my roommate a couple times since moving out, we’ve always met someplace else. It was nice to just spend time with her, and getting to restock my fridge and build up a stockpile again was a relief. I tried not to take too much advantage, and managed to spend less than a hundred dollars. I’ll go to the Freestore next week to stock up more on the staples there, as they have primarily dry goods and canned goods, so I was focusing on eggs-milk-yogurt and such. I did get a giant bag of rice at Kroger, as I prefer jasmine rice to regular white rice, and beggars can’t really be choosers.

I’ve had a tremendous outpouring of love from all corners of my life, too. I’m behind on commissions because I didn’t want to be getting plague germs on people’s jewelry; it’s akin to mailing smallpox blankets out in my mind and I thought that would be a bit tacky of me. I need to get stuff finished, photographed, and mailed out desperately. I’ve had a lot of purchases, and several people just outright sending me money via paypal. I almost have enough to pay this round of bills, though I’ll be calling each company and seeing what I can do to knock my bill down a bit, to make things more manageable. (Ironically, I think I’ll be bringing in more on unemployment once I get that, than I have been in months.) To be honest, this Valentine’s day was the best I’ve ever had, because so many people sent me messages and love.

I’ve got so much paperwork to find, but I know my sister and I are planning to tackle that this weekend. We got all of the recycling out of the way Wednesday and I desperately need to sweep but I am just so physically exhausted, it’s all I can do to just wander from room to room. I’m barely eating even with taking two separate steroids, and I don’t think it’s from depression, as this has been going on since I first got sick. I just am not hungry. I’ve been trying to at least not get dehydrated and get something of substance into myself at least once a day. Lots of sleeping has been done, and I’m hoping by the time you read this post I’ll feel human again.

I need to get all my paperwork sorted out so I can go get everything applied for. I’ll get the applications printed and filled out this weekend, and I also want to create a disability file, as I have all of my medical records from old providers (I am really anal retentive, seriously, but it’s the only way to go) and all of my ER paperwork and such, so if the day comes and I have to go file for disability, it’ll all be ready to go, I’ll just need files from my current providers pulled. I don’t think I’m going to file yet, as I know I can work, I just am burned out right now. I’m thinking of doing something completely different and more low-stress than case management for a while. My sister suggested copy editing, as I am very good at that sort of thing, and my old boss from my previous agency had a couple suggestions as well, one of which is like, 20/hour. I’m thinking if I can find something to support myself on that’s part-time, I can maybe even go back to school, which would knock out my student loans if I can manage part-time school work. I’d like to get my LSW or PhD or SOMETHING so I can make a bit more money, and do more of the therapy side of things. As much as I like being out in the field, I’m ready for a change.

I’m just not entirely clear on what change that might be. What I do know, however, is while I feel numb from shock, and crappy from this illness, I also feel a sense of profound relief. Obviously I needed this, and things have happened exactly as they need to be. I’m a lot less panicked than I thought I would be. Of course, at this point, I’m only a few days out so hopefully that’s not going to change.

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