I’ve got a friend who writes for Captain Awkward, and she will periodically link to posts that are pertinent to conversations or situations at hand. I can’t honestly tell you WHY I was on Captain Awkward tonight but I can tell you, the article I found? I need to have it tattooed to my body, in its completion, so maybe I can absorb some of this through osmosis.
The article is titled How to tighten up your game at work when you’re depressed. While this wouldn’t have saved me from my situation, and I was actually doing a few of these things, they might save my NEXT job.
My favorite part:
Jerkbrain: “Oh Jennifer, you are so terrible and lazy. If anyone knew how horrible you really are, they would all flee from you! Go ahead and knit your shame into a giant lumpy turtleneck of horror…oh wait, you were too stupid to learn how to knit! Remember the time you couldn’t even knit a scarf? So you gave up on it, like you gave up on playing the flute and the guitar and the piano (insert litany of every failure or defeat ever experienced here)…like you GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING. You’re just good at fooling people so they don’t think you’re a failure, but soon your luck will run out and everyone will know what a failure you are.“
Me: ”You’re right, I am pretty horrible. Guess I better be horrible and put on some shoes and go to work.”
I’ve got to learn how to do this. Bad. Initially I could; I’d have a panic attack in the morning, so I might go in late, but I would get there, but it got worse and worse and finally I just flat out couldn’t make it. The author even talks about shame-hiding, which is something I totally do. I will avoid the hell out of my supervisor even if it means entering the building via rappelling from the roof, seriously, when I am ashamed and embarrassed and scared. The fear of having my transgression addressed is greater than any fear of what will happen; it’s the conversation itself I’m afraid of. I was pleasantly numb when I actually got fired, but the walk to HR made me want to sprint to the nearest window and fling myself outside and run into the woods. Maybe I could’ve lived there with all the wild turkeys and deer. Not knowing why I’m suddenly being called to the carpet it worst of all, and I always assume I’m being fired.
I’d sort of hoped I’d never be right, on that one.
I managed to file for unemployment on Sunday night/Monday morning; it’s all online. It took me a couple days to get there, emotionally, and now I’m kicking myself because I totally could’ve done it when I got home after being fired, and not four days later. I was so scared, though. I’m still scared.
I’m afraid I’m turning into my father, somehow. He never could hold down a job, and seems how I’ve been let go from one after nearly thirteen years of constant employment, it is OBVIOUSLY the exact same thing. I’m scared of myself, and I’m scared to ask for help from my family and friends. I’m not sure what to even ask FOR. I’ve been truly blessed; friends are helping me financially, my sister is helping me in a multitude of ways, and my former roommate filled up my pantry. Those things are probably the only reason I’m still holding relatively steady, but relatively is a pretty definitive word here.
Now to see if I can manage to go outside tomorrow. I haven’t checked my mail in over a week. I have packages to ship, and commissions to work on, and an apartment that needs a good vacuuming to catch up with the wayward fur tumbleweeds. I have paperwork to sort and file, and I’ve still got like, four loads of laundry to do at my sister’s.
I’ve just got to uncurl from the ball I’ve been in for most of four days now…