I’m doing… okay.

It’s been a bit touch-and-go for me, since everything fell apart. I’ve been slowly making progress on getting things sorted out for unemployment and my impending job search. I forgot how much I hated resumes and cover letters. Blegh. I’ve not gotten a final answer about unemployment yet, but I’ve gotten a clarification question, so hopefully that’s good news. I’ve had a lot of support from friends and family, both emotionally and financially. I’m doing my best to hold it together.

Last Tuesday when my sister came over I definitely freaked her out; she’s now seen me completely out of it twice and I hope I didn’t scare her too much. Tuesday was not a good day. Wednesday was a little better and Thursday I slept all day because my brain wouldn’t shut off Wednesday night, so I didn’t fall asleep until nine AM and woke up at 5 PM.

That’s when the guilt kicked in again.

From my Livejournal, Feb 18th, 2013:

So I managed to put on clothes and get the mail- and went through it all, even!- and get some stuff out of my car. I filed for unemployment online last night and now I get to wait for that to be processed. I’m mostly curled in a ball of shame and self-doubt and self-hatred anymore, and just looking at my to-do list has me recoiling in shame and fear. I deserved this, I deserve to suffer and lose everything, it’s telling me. I brought this on myself and have nobody to blame but me so why should I reach out and ask for anything? I don’t deserve anything, I don’t deserve my friends, my family would be right to abandon me.

I’m turning into *him,* it says. And I’m going to live a pauper like him and probably die alone and cold and unknown.

That was Tuesday. Thursday is turning into a repeat.

From my Livejournal, Feb 21st, 2013:

Couldn’t sleep until nine AM because my brain wouldn’t shut off, and the later it gets the more hysterical and irrational I get. So of course I slept until 5 today, because I was exhausted from not sleeping.

And then the guilt kicked in for sleeping all day and not getting anything accomplished whatsoever.

In some weird act of punishment, I wouldn’t let myself eat something for three hours. I… I don’t know, but I’ve been doing it more lately. Not letting myself eat because I’m not worth it, or because I’m worried I’m wasting food by eating too often/too much, or because I don’t deserve it because I haven’t accomplished anything to earn it.

My craft room is getting lonely and I’m too busy sobbing to do anything about it, and I feel worse now than I did when I got up in the first place.

I’m so scared of writing cover letters and sending them out and starting the rejection process. The letter from Job and Family Services about the job hunting requirements I have to meet in order to get unemployment was terrifying, even though it’s fairly lax (I have to put in two applications a week, and keep a log of everything, and there was a lot of bold print about THERE WILL BE AUDITS TREMBLE IN FEAR MORTALS) compared to what it could be. I got an email requesting clarification of why I was fired. I’m worried I didn’t write enough or wrote too much or didn’t say the right things and I’m going to get denied and lose everything and I’m so scared, of everything- this whole process, being unemployed, trying to find another job, and most of all I’m scared of myself. The thoughts going through my head, guys. They are scary and I’m fighting as hard as I can, but… it’s so hard. There are so many what-ifs and so much self-flagellation even though I know it’s not helping and just making me more miserable but clearly I must deserve it.

My friends are supportive but damn I feel like such a pain in the ass. And I’ve had to lock down my Facebook and everything so if employers look me up they won’t see links to this blog and come up with a reason not to hire me that isn’t illegal and discrimination while still discriminating because who wants someone as crazy as I am on their payroll? Clearly not my last employer.

Damn it. I hate this. All of this. And now I’m crying again.

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