A new wrinkle

So the talk I had with my mom on Saturday, was her asking me to come to Michigan for a week to stay at my parents’ house and come up with a plan with them, about what we’re going to do. My parents want to support me, but they don’t want to set me up to fail, and the last nine months or so has just been an ugly failure spiral, to be completely honest with myself. I like living alone, but living on that razor’s edge of not having enough money for everything I need was killing me, and my depression kept getting worse, until I finally lost my job.

I still haven’t found out about unemployment- evidently it takes three weeks for a determination, so I’m hoping I’ll find out this week, or early next week, but from how my parents are talking, they’re going to pack me up and move me here. My assignment today is to start looking for jobs and apartments in this area, and look at school as well, to see if maybe going back for my master’s and working part-time someplace low-stress would work better.

No matter what, it looks like coming back to Michigan is my future, and I feel like I failed.

One of my friends recommended I look at it as a tactical retreat, versus a failure, and I want to look at it like that, but it’s not an easy task. Mostly I just feel like the last seven years of my life were for nothing. I have friends, I have something like a life in Cincinnati, and my parents want me to come home, where I’ll have a lot more family support. My parents, grandparents, and two sets of aunts and uncles all live close here, and it’s my mom’s side, so I’ve know them my entire life. I’ve built a life in Cincinnati, and while it might not be a glamorous life, it’s still a life. Very few of my friends from high school are still here in Michigan, and none of my closest friends are. My high school best friend is a bit of a global nomad and last I checked she was in New Zealand.

I know my parents are concerned about me, and they want me to succeed, but I’m not even sure what success looks like, anymore. For me, it seems to be “making it through an entire week at work without having a meltdown” which hasn’t happened in months. Was it my place of employment that was burning me out, or case management- specifically mental health case management- that was the ultimate cause? What else can I do that will pay the bills and not kill me? Where can I live where I can function and keep the daily routines I so desperately need to remain stable?

I’ll have to find and develop a rapport with new doctors, a new pharmacy, a new health clinic. I know from experience that the psychiatrists around here suck. One tried to convince me I had borderline personality disorder and seemed greatly affronted when I argued with him, and there was a lot of eye rolling before he prescribed me a mood stabilizer that he never ordered any follow-up bloodwork on, that ultimately led to fifty pound weight gain in two months and was not even at a therapeutic dose when I ended up in the hospital. I had a good therapist in high school that I might be able to go back to see.

I’ll have to change my car’s license and registration to another state, and insure it here (and car insurance is WAY HIGHER in Michigan due to no fault,) I have no idea where a Toyota dealership is in Michigan of all places, and I’ll lose the lifetime warranty I have on Artoo because the dealership I bought him at, is the one who gave it to me, with the understanding that I’ll bring him there for all preventative maintenance.

I’ll lose my friends, and I’ll lose the renaissance festival that means so very much to me. I won’t be able to be a season pass holder. I might get to visit for one or two weekends in the season, but that would be it.

I still don’t even know if I can find a job here any easier than down in Cincinnati. I’m in the middle of nowhere here. I believe Michigan is leading the country in unemployment because the whole damn economy was built around the car industry. (And cereal. We’ve got a corner of the cereal market in Battle Creek.)

I just… I don’t know. Once my sister gets married, they’re planning to move elsewhere, so I’ll be alone again, and will likely become more of a recluse than I already am. In Michigan I would initially live with my parents until I can get set up in an apartment someplace, and I would probably live fairly close to various relatives I could visit more often.

This feels so much like giving up and surrendering. I’m crying right now and my heart started breaking on Saturday.

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