So since getting to my parents’ this week, I’ve not seen much of my stepdad. He’s off doing something most nights- either a meeting, or going to the gym and then a meeting- so we’ve mostly been two ships in the night, and our few conversations have mostly been me explaining where my mom is. He did get in a barb the other day about how “I’d like to get a new job, but I plan on finding a new one BEFORE I get fired,” but I ignored it.The last couple conversations I’ve had with him before this visit haven’t exactly been stellar, so I’ve been mostly avoiding him, and I think he’s been avoiding me, too.
Until tonight, that is.
I was finally able to convince the wifi it wanted to work (my parents have this wifi hotspot and it SUCKS, it simply will not connect during the day no matter what I do,) so I was finally getting onto the computer to do some job applications, though first I was screwing around on Facebook for a few minutes, because I have dragons to check on in Dragon City, obviously. I’d been on the computer a grand total of about ten minutes, when he started in on the commentary about my job hunt.
“So have you been applying for jobs?”
“Yes, though I haven’t had a chance to today, because the internet’s not been working.”
“Why didn’t you try using the computer upstairs?”
“Because it’s the internet being flaky, not my computer.”
“Then you should’ve taken the internet thing to Verizon and gotten it fixed.”
“I’m not on your account, I don’t know where Verizon even is, and my car is in OHIO.”
“You should’ve gone to the library, then.”
“I’m about to apply for some right now, and I’ve been applying for jobs EVERY DAY since I lost my job. I’m not trying to be a drain on society.”
Of course, the music from my game was audible, and my mom asked what the noise was, so I said it was a game. This led to this fantastic gem from my stepdad:
“Well, if I was unemployed, I’d be job hunting ALL DAY and not playing GAMES.”
That’s the point where I calmly closed my laptop, turned off the wifi, set it all aside, and went back to my room. I was definitely crying by the time I got there and spent a while crying, until my mom came in to talk to me.
She’s sympathetic, though I think I startled her when I said, “This is the sort of shit that makes me want to kill myself, seriously.” I talked about how frustrating it is when I’m just trying to get better, and he’s harassing me for not doing enough. It’s been like this since I was thirteen or fourteen. I’m never, ever good enough. Mom pointed out that nobody ever is, because he’s just like his mother, who is the passive aggressive queen of the world.
…And then, I came back downstairs after calming down, and my stepdad came in, and we had like, an hour long, rational, adult conversation. He sort of apologized and said he tends to take a “piledriver” approach to things (understatement of the millennium) and so we talked about my illness, my current budget, how things are going to look for the next couple months, and what kind of jobs I can do so I’m not boxing myself in to the same thing, that might just make me sick again.
I guess things aren’t always awful. It just gets really tense sometimes.