Paranoia is becoming my new best friend, it seems, but I just want it to go away.

So I have tried repeatedly to flip my sleep cycle back to where it belongs, but the panic attacks are getting… epic. I don’t use that word lightly; Commander Badass would make me put money in the epic jar if that were the case. On a normal day, one of my panic attacks can usually be abated with a klonopin and some deep breathing or meditation for a while.

When work was starting to really stress me out, I started taking one klonopin nightly, and then upped it to two when my doctor gave me the green light (alcoholism runs in the family; I am SO CAREFUL about my benzos.) This, coupled with benedryl, usually results in sleep I can wake up from in eight hours, though the first hour or so is usually spent staring at the ceiling. I am completely incapable of sleeping, it seems. I’m so terrible at it I’m also allergic to sleep aids.

After I lost my job, and my sleep cycle started slipping, I would wait until I was so tired I crashed and didn’t need the klonopin on top of the benedryl. When I was at my parents’, I was so relaxed I didn’t even touch my klonopin bottle except for the night my nephews were there. While I love them more than anything, kids in general get me anxious, especially crying. The younger nephew didn’t have a good night so I had to take a klonopin when his crying started making me twitchy.

Upon returning home and discovering bedbugs shortly after being in my landlady’s office? Yeah. Not good. I learned on my second go-round with the demons that the smell of the alcohol will now trigger a panic attack, so I’ve started spraying my bed and bedframe down a few hours before I intend to sleep and letting the room ventilate. There’s still a vague smell after a few hours, but it’s not nearly as bad. However, rather than being able to settle and rest, I start jolting up every ten to twenty minutes to check the bed for any creepy crawlies. I started taking two klonopin with my bedtime dose again. Sunday night/Monday morning, that didn’t even help. It took a grand total of four klonopin- 2 mg total- before I was finally able to sleep, and then I had horrible nightmares and couldn’t wake up, even when the phone started ringing- and I take my phone into my room with me so if I get a call from a prospective employer I can answer it. I had a dream about being a time-traveling thief and accidentally killing my great-grandmother of shock. We hid the body and then had to go back in time to steal it from ourselves so her organs could be harvested, and it was just… awful. I woke sweating and tangled up in the sheets and panicky. Oddly enough, she’s actually been dead two years almost to the day, now, which was just weird.

Every brush of anything against my skin- sometimes even imaginary- causes me to jump. The paranoia’s getting really bad now. Seems how I slept Monday until like, seven PM, I’m going to stay up until Tuesday evening at the right time.

Of course, I’m on diet coke #3 and rather than feeling energized, I just feel agitated and angry. Just what I needed. Of course, my cat is being a horrible nuisance and my Facebook it being blown up by commentary on the rape culture of the Steubenville rape case, so I’m sort of being triggered all over the place. My usual response would be to go lie down but now I’ve had three cans of pop. I doubt sleep would happen.

I’m thinking maybe it’s time for yoga. …After I lock the cat up so she doesn’t decide to “help.” She’s been biting me all night.

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