On the verge

Since losing my job, I think I’ve cried more than I have since I was an infant and it was my only means of communication. I am constantly near tears, and cry at the drop of a hat. I have daily depressive swings when something reminds me of my situation and I find myself using my old standby coping strategy of “maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.” (It hasn’t worked yet, but maybe I need to ignore things harder. *eyeroll*) It gets particularly bad whenever I start thinking about having to say goodbye to Cincinnati for a while and move back to Michigan. I really don’t want to go, but my hands are tied.

Making myself do things to improve my overall situation is hard. I did get all of my bills paid, except for the hospital ones, because those involve making calls and a) making calls is hard and b) my cell phone has decided that it never wants to keep a signal while it is in my apartment, so I drop calls a lot. I guess I’ll have to go take care of this business somewhere else where my phone will be more reliable, but somewhere I can give my personal information where I won’t end up with my identity stolen. I could probably do it at my sister’s, come to think of it. I also need to do my taxes, but I’m worried because I might owe this year. I’m not entirely positive I have all my paperwork in order and I have such a massive stack of paperwork that needs to be sorted and filed that just thinking about it makes me anxious. My sister wants to help but it’s been on the back burner since she moved here like, a year ago. There’s always something else on the to-do list. I think tonight, once we get a few things hung up in the craft room, we can start that process.

I sort of have a to-do list, mostly in my head and in a pile of things on the dining room table that need to be taken care of that I am steadfastly ignoring. I went on a strange fool’s errand today trying to find the DMV that I’ve gone to before, and evidently it has moved or closed down because I couldn’t find it. I need to get my tags renewed- they technically expired last Friday, and seems how they send you the paperwork two months in advance, I’d forgotten all about it- but it’s hard to get new tags if I can’t find the place. If I get pulled over, it will be on my way to the DMV, though I might have to ask the officer directions. Obviously I need to locate another one and print myself some directions and a map, because the only other ones I know of are at least a half-hour away and there are a ton of DMVs in the Cincinnati area, so driving that far is silly.

I got an email from mom on Friday wanting basically a spreadsheet of expenses and such, and I froze up. I have been steadfastly ignoring this too, until I can make myself sit down and write it all out. I’ve got my budget on a spreadsheet but I’m not entirely positive it will make sense to anyone else. So there’s that.

Lord, just thinking about all of this is making me anxious. I’m taking it one thing at a time, though, and I’ll just have to keep doing that. Next I need to claim last week’s unemployment and open up this week’s file, and have a go at Careerbuilder again. My sister said there are a ton of openings where she works, so I’ll take a look at their website as well. It’s getting to the point where almost everything I click on Careerbuilder pops up the message that I already applied for that- why it continues to pop up on their “you might be interested in this” list after I’ve applied, I’ll probably never know.

tl;dr version: life sucks right now and coping with it all is hard. Also, I feel like a failure because I am having so much trouble coping. My therapist will have a few things to say about this on Thursday, I’m sure.

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