So Thursday I saw my therapist, and I recapped the entire weekend and subsequent explosion on Monday. I cried a couple times, and I think I got all of my thoughts and feelings over the mess out. I just feel so betrayed, to have been called a hypocrite and a victim and told that my personal beliefs are crap. I wonder how long it’s been simmering, and if she’s had this sort of resentment towards me for a while. Mom said she read my blog after I recommended she not do so, which is where I think she got a lot of the “it’s all my mother’s fault and I’m such a victim” stuff. Yes, it happened. Yes, as I was a child at the time, some of it IS mom’s fault, but I’m not blaming her. It happened, I am addressing it through therapy, and I’m doing my best to move on and continue to recover.
I talked with my therapist a LOT about boundaries and how to establish them with my mom, as every time I try, mom goes off the deep end about it. I know she loves me, and is concerned about me. But every time, EVERY TIME, I ask her to leave off on the diet and exercise talk because I don’t want to hear it, there is an explosion at a later time where she tearfully tells me I am going to die of the deathfats if I don’t start eating and exercising the way she feels I should, and that exercise IS a part of Health at Every Size. I tried to have her read Dances with Fat but she told me that she doesn’t believe anything Ragen Chastain has to say, for pretty much every single reason Ragen is a fat advocate. Mom doesn’t believe that long-term weight loss is not sustainable, that it is yoyo dieting that is killing people and not the fat itself, that I don’t owe anyone health to deserve the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Mom wants me to eat and exercise her way and she wants to hound me until I do it, and treats me like a child throughout. But then when I mentioned stuff that actually happened as a child, that’s when I get told I’m being a victim and I need to grow up. I am so confused.
I’m afraid she’ll read this, too, and blow up again. Here I thought it was just my stepdad who I was at odds with all the time; now I see it’s both of them, and I don’t like it. Is it really too much to ask for my own mother, to try and understand my point of view? To listen, and maybe do some research? Hell, I’ve got the books, I even left Health at Every Size and Fat!So? at home the last time I visited, only to find them untouched on the table in the guest room when I went back up. Mom admitted she doesn’t know much about bipolar disorder, but seemed offended that I would suggest she do some research into the illness to really start to understand me, rather than assuming that diet and exercise will magically fix it, which she has been harping at for years. And I would really, really like an apology for being called a hypocrite, being told that my beliefs are crap, that I’m acting like I’m better than everyone else, and all the other insults that were heaped on me in that email.
All of this hurts so, so much. Knowing that she is constantly judging my actions, particularly when I am there, makes me want to stay as far away as possible. Everything I eat, everything I do, is measured, and I’m always found wanting. I don’t want to visit anymore, or if I do go, I want to stay somewhere else. I’m tired of getting home only to be told that everything I did was wrong or offended them somehow. I’m tired of the passive-aggressiveness of it all.
My therapist suggested that the next time mom starts talking about exercise or diet, to just change the subject, and not engage the conversation in any way, even if it’s just “Mm-hmm” which is my usual tactic. I’ll see how it works.