As I was lying down to sleep last night I thought “Oh, shoot, I forgot to write a blog post for Monday. Ah, well, I’ll get up early and write it. Surely I’ll remember.”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE. It’s definitely 2:10 and I JUST remembered. (The getting up early thing didn’t happen, either. I woke up a minute before my alarm, turned it off, and went back to sleep.)
One more day until my job interview, and I’m getting pretty nervous. Also, sort of depressed, because I am a dumbass who kept forgetting to call in a refill of her Celexa and thus have been out since like, Thursday. >_< So. Dumb. I remembered to call it in over the weekend, so hopefully it will be here tomorrow.
Friday night, my sister and I went and checked out the park I've been wanting to go get a yearly pass for. It was after five so there were no staff there to give my money to, so I felt sort of guilty about using the park, but I'll make sure I pay next time I'm there. We really did make a valiant attempt to give people money. My sister ran and I walked one of the loops that is a mile long. There were benches and lovely shaded places to sit and listen to nature, and I want to go there and write. Also, plenty of trails left to explore. Saturday I did yoga, my usual routine, and then I tried a new one after that. I could barely move Sunday. I did my usual routine on Sunday to try and stretch out a bit, and I'm hurting a bit less today.
I feel like I've betrayed myself, though. Like I've just given in to make my mom happy. She still hasn't apologized for the awful things she said to me. I'm not sure I mentioned what was said in the conversation that my therapist interrupted. She asked me if I was happy being fat, and if I was expecting to find someone, and if I was looking for a fat man to date/marry. That was what really knocked the wind out of me and keeps coming back to haunt me. And now here I am, exercising daily and hating myself for it, because I'm not doing it for me anymore. Mom's sent me a couple messages on Facebook telling me she loves me, but I haven't responded. She did re-friend me after things calmed down.
I don't like this feeling of self-betrayal. It feels gross.