I’m depressed again and it’s pretty much my own fault this time.

From my Livejournal, April 8, 2013:

The phone rings, but I don’t want to answer it.

Mom’s left two messages on Facebook telling me she loves me. She’s left a couple messages on my phone to check in, and says she loves me.

I haven’t heard “I’m sorry I said those horrible things to you.”

I doubt I will. And that hurts more than anything in the world.

I’m feeling depressed again, and it’s probably mostly my own fault for forgetting to reorder my antidepressant. But I know some part of it is, it’s been a week since I got that horrible message on Facebook, and I’ve not yet received an apology, or anything close to it. Mom said she appreciated how mature I was in asking what would make her happy so I could just DO that thing so she’d leave me alone, but she never apologized.

I feel like I’m betraying myself when I exercise. I feel like I’m being someone I’m not, that I’m just trying to please her, to placate her so she’ll not tear into me again. And then that voice comes back that tells me I’m being a victim or blowing it out of proportion or being melodramatic and I just want to scream STOP! My feelings are valid! I don’t have to prove anything to you!

But I know I do. At least if I want to come visit, I do. And when I am there, I have to be on my toes at all times, or someone’ll start in on me, either at the time or later. If it isn’t my stepdad it’s my mom.

I don’t want to visit again until I can afford a hotel, but my sister’s wedding shower is in May. Maybe if I talk to my sister about it, she can come up with an idea.


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