Brain fog

So as I’ve mentioned before, due to a combination of my own forgetfulness and apathy, and some trouble at the pharmacy, I managed to miss my celexa and birth control for nearly a week.

This has led to a HORRIBLE period and the worst withdrawal symptoms ever.

I got back on my celexa on Thursday of last week, so it’s finally getting back into my system, and I’m realizing there’s a reason you usually titrate it if you’re just starting the medication. I’ve been in a complete fog for DAYS, coupled with the complete and total apathy of deep depression. I can’t sleep because that’s when the thoughts get *really* bad, and the nightmares and night sweats make sleeping unbearable. I’m scared to leave the apartment, though I did on Saturday because I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.

I went to my favorite breakfast place, because there are people I know there, and I hadn’t actually talked to someone in person since Tuesday. I only ordered a muffin because, y’know, unemployed, but my waiter gave me a hug and brought me my regular french toast as well. He then refused to charge me for any of it. I gave him a huge hug and very nearly cried.

My psychiatrist gave me samples and was sympathetic to my situation, and she didn’t scold me about losing my job as I was a little afraid she was. Instead, she said, “You’re capable, perfectly capable, and excellent at what you do. You just need to be able to be there as much as possible, so we’ve got to keep you as stable as possible. I know you can find another job.”

Again, I very nearly cried. I did cry when I got home, and managed some sleep. Lately the only sleep to be had is when it’s light out, because in the dark the thoughts are suffocating. I end up on the computer, staring off into space, playing mindless games on Facebook to pass the time. Even one of my favorite hobbies, roleplaying, is difficult, because my mind just wanders off.

It seems to be lifting, a little bit at a time, but the depression is still not good. I still haven’t heard from the job and that’s breaking my heart. I also got my cat’s surgery scheduled today for next Tuesday, and that’s making me all kinds of anxious as well. On the bright side of that, the fundraiser has raised $563 as of my writing this post, so I’m hopeful that things will be okay, cost-wise, so I really only need to worry about my cat instead of where the money’s coming from. I also did my taxes today (woo for putting things off until the last minute) and owe like $1300 and AUGH. I filed for an extension so I’ve got until October 15th to sort that money out. Because I’m simply drowning in cash, obviously. I also sorted out a lot of medical bills today and because I wasn’t broke when I went to the doctor, there’s no sympathy for me now. I was able to get payment plans but combined they add up to like, $100/month. Ugh. I didn’t really need to eat, I guess.

*sigh*

I’ll be okay. I think.

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