I can’t figure out which way is up today.

So I was SO TIRED after I wrote Thursday’s post, I went and crashed.

And then couldn’t sleep because I was in that extremely tired stage where I was hallucinating and I kept hallucinating bugs, go figure. So I got up and stayed up until seven when I finally collapsed.

I had an appointment with my therapist at one. My alarm went off at noon, and I still couldn’t see straight, so I definitely called and cancelled it. I had no business driving in that condition. I hadn’t really slept in three days, at that point.

I then tried to go to bed, I really did, but spent another two hours in that twitchy stage again before finally falling back asleep. I had the WEIRDEST dreams. I was in this village, I want to say it was in India, but I could be wrong, and I was there to help people but I ended up ruining everything. The people who’d sent me there had been using me to scope the area out to use it for some sort of radar array so they took the land out from underneath the village in a horrible example of imminent domain, and the people scattered to the four winds. I ended up captured and imprisoned, put into a pen with a bunch of goats, with the intent of selling me, but they beat me constantly and starved me, so I wasn’t exactly in the best condition. Later, they put a tiger in the pen with me, and he was intelligent and gentle. He got put in his own pen out of fear for the goats’ safety, though the goats had all long since been sold or died of starvation and I was living in a pen full of decomposing goats. O_o;; Someone came to beat me for something I supposedly stole and the tiger broke out of his pen and rescued me, and we disappeared into the jungle together. One of my toes broke off and was left behind in the pen, so the people thought I’d finally starved to death and didn’t follow. The tiger’s name was Majora.

The second dream, I was supposedly one of the kids from the Magic School Bus, but I was hanging out with the kids from Recess. We were at the ocean, and Spinelli, who looked a lot like Lilo, was swimming to try and get away from the crush of people we were surrounded by. We found a guy who was excavating an old boat in the shallows, and we helped him pull up all these artifacts that were from some ancient mermaid civilization, including a Barbie doll that was one of the mermaid’s toys. The Barbie had fins molded into the plastic of her thighs, a weird waist with all kinds of articulation, and a vagina molded into the pelvis. I kept the Barbie to wash her hair and the weird guy was trying to claim I’d ruined her and destroyed his cred as an antiquities dealer and cryptozoologist. I then spent the rest of the dream chasing him all over the shoreline, that turned into shores from other dreams, and eventually became a museum. Majora the tiger showed up, and told me not to waste my time as the guy was clearly not interested in the doll, which had become a real mermaid during this whole chase, and we returned her to the ocean, and went back to the jungle.

I wonder if I’ll ever meet Majora again? He seemed very familiar. When I woke up, I was all kinds of disoriented, as both dreams had been very lucid, where I was able to go back and try and do things over again, though Majora would stop me and tell me to just leave things as they were.

My dreams always take place in the same world, but in different parts of it, and sometimes I can travel between the different areas and it all seems so clear in those dreams, why each part of the world is like it is, and why I have to keep going to them, especially the nightmare worlds. Nothing I can do in those overarching dreams can make the different places go away, but I can leave myself weapons and notes and other things to keep me safe when I have to go to the nightmare worlds. And there are dreams I had as a child, beautiful places that I created to escape my living nightmares, but some of them are locked now and I can’t find the keys. I know I *had* keys once, but I lost them round about when I finally got on the correct dose of mood stabilizers. A lot of my creative worlds were locked away from me then, and it’s hard and exhausting to reach them for even a moment, and those are the dreams that fade the fastest. The dreams when each nice place got locked away are awful; it’s like this big glass dome goes over it, and the friends I have in those dreams are on one side, trying to tell me something but I can’t hear because of the glass and because something’s tugging me away. The door is locked and the key is added to the keyring I lost and am still trying to find. Every now and then I find it and I can visit but I have to leave again, and the keys are always missing again when I next have one of those overarching dreams.

I spend a lot of time looking for the keys, and I’d love to figure out how to unlock the nice places and lock up the nightmares, because it’s been eighteen years since my dad left; I’d love to stop hearing him bellowing in my head.

I didn’t wake back up until like, eight, so it was a bit late to go to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a new encasement for the box spring of my bed. I guess I’ll go tomorrow. I’m still not entirely sure how I’m going to get it onto the box spring myself, but I’ll figure it out later.

The good news is, I didn’t get any bites last night! I’m hoping that’s a state of affairs that’s going to stay.


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One response to “I can’t figure out which way is up today.

  1. Pingback: Weird dream | sabsafabs's Blog

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