So this weekend was my sister’s bridal shower. We actually had a bridal tea, and it was very cute overall. Mom broke out her antique hat collection (she has approximately seventy billion antique hats and I adopted a purple one) and we had tea and little sandwiches cut into hearts and all kinds of disgustingly adorable things. It really was cute, and my mom and stepsister who planned it seemed to have a lot of fun putting it together, though it was a lot of work. My sister and I drove up after she got off work on Friday, and due to the fact that my cat is still eating wet food only, I had to take her with, and she inevitably had issues in the car. My cat just doesn’t travel well in the afternoon as it interferes with her bathroom schedule and you can’t tell a cat to hurry up and go to the bathroom already because we’re leaving. I’m usually just trying to grab her and stuff her in her crate before she disappears under my bed where I’m guaranteed to be unable to retrieve her without resorting to bribery.
We got there late, and I was exhausted after staying up all day to reset my internal clock, so I actually managed to fall asleep at a fairly reasonable hour. The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 1:45. I then woke up at exactly 2:45, 3:45, 4:45, 5:45, and 6:45, before managing to stay asleep until 10:15, when someone called my stepdad and his ringtone woke me up. It was weird how I was waking up at exact 60-minute intervals. I got up and helped where I could, which was mostly “go to the store and buy the things we forgot” and I cut a frame out of foam core board for my sister and a guest to hold while I took their picture at the shower. (This turned out extremely cute, though I did break an exacto blade because of course I did.)
I was excited because we were going to go see Iron Man 3 (which is AMAZEBALLS) after everything was over, and so we went to a 7:25 showing. This is a bit late for me to see an action movie in a theater, I’ve discovered. I got extremely overstimulated and was starting to amp up. We got home around 11:00, and I got on the computer to do some job stuff (and catch up on internet stuff.) My primary roleplay friend was out of town all week, so I hadn’t roleplayed in a while, and this is one of the ways I sort of burn off extra emotional energy. I also didn’t see my therapist last week due to being exhausted from not sleeping. So combining all of those factors, and I became quite elevated, heading towards mania. My parents’ internet crapped out around 2:00 AM and I realized I should go to bed anyway, but I was getting so manic I was physically shaking. I tried to go about things normally and went to bed, but as I realized I was getting manic, I started to panic, so then I couldn’t breathe. I went back downstairs and sat on the couch, wrapped in blankets, shivering and shaking and hallucinating that things were moving. It took three klonopin for me to get to the point where I could breathe regularly again, so I went to write mom a note, but once I started writing, I just had to get everything out of my head. I don’t really remember what I was writing, as I usually don’t really remember what happens when I’m manic. I remember having the sensation that my skin was crawling off and the shaking was really bad. I finished writing in every spare inch of the paper I was writing on and then going to bed. I stole one of the couch blankets that is soft like my Optimus blanket, which I left at home, and the three klonopin did their jobs and knocked me out. That was somewhere around five AM.
Mom came up around ten and asked if I got too overstimulated. I think I confirmed this but I was pretty out of it. I wanted to go to the shower, though, so I slept until one, when my sister woke me up. The shower was at two. I got dressed and wasn’t entirely confident about stairs or driving or really thinking. I went to get my “adopted” sister (I mentored her when I was in high school and she was in elementary, and she just became a member of the family after that) and led to a huge miscommunication because nobody heard me say I was going to go get her, so my stepsister was going to have her husband pick her up, and I took the van but they needed to put the food in it. My mom was very confused at why I was there with my adopted sister, and I said “I’m sorry, nobody communicated this to me,” to which she said “Well, you’re not really communicating right now at all.” Which was true, as I wasn’t. I didn’t start feeling very much like me until I’d had some food and some time to wake up. The shower went well, and we got everything packed up and headed back for Cincinnati by 5:30, which was pretty good considering the shower was over at 4:00 and we had a lot of food and decorations to pack up, along with my sister’s gifts.
The whole time, I could tell mom wanted to talk to me, but we were busy with the shower and then we had to leave quickly, as my sister had to work in the morning and wanted to get *some* sleep. Mom patted my arm when I was in the car and started to say something but got interrupted, so I think I need to have a conversation with her at some point today.
The cat, of course, had issues again on the way back down. I tried to pill her with benedryl, which seemed to help on the way up (after she was done having accidents) but I think she managed to spit it out this time. She was pretty noisy the whole time and had a couple accidents before we’d gotten too far. Maybe next time we just need to circle the block a few times and then we’ll be good, I don’t know.
My sister and I ended up talking about what happened at some point around Dayton, when she asked what she could do to help if she seems me getting manic. She said that she and mom had noticed that I was really talkative, and she said that when I was doing job stuff on the computer, I was “narrating everything,” which is a pretty apt description. I thought that maybe pointing it out to me, and suggesting I take a klonopin, might work, as the klonopin tends to calm me down fairly quickly and the external notice that I’m getting manic might help as well. Evidently my note really shook mom. I guess I wrote about my legs crawling away, and wrote “help me” a couple times. My sister and I talked about the ongoing miscommunications mom and I have about my illness. It hurts when I think about how if I had any other illness, for example, cancer, I know my mom would make herself the world’s leading expert on that illness, but she’s so scared of my bipolar disorder that she doesn’t want to accept it’s a reality for me. I either remind her of my father, or the prospect of me being disabled or something scares her. It scares me, too, but it’s my head and my life, so I cope the best I can every day. Some days are better coping days than others.
My sister and I also talked about how I can talk with mom about the whole exercise thing, as both my mom and my sister were able to “cure” their depression with exercise and so mom thinks it really will fix something, at least. My problem is, I have serious issues with sweating. It makes me anxious and the feeling of my skin when I’ve been sweating freaks me out. It’s a texture thing. Also, when I get going too fast, I make myself manic, so rigorous exercise is hard to come back down from without spending some time in manic bizarro-world. My sister recommended I maybe tell that to mom, as she doesn’t know and it never really occurs to me to tell her these things. Now I’m trying to get it all written down so I can remember it all to tell her later. There were a lot of things we discussed. I took another klonopin in the car because I was starting to get anxious and babbly again, and then I got home and just… I’ve been on the computer for a while. I had to wash the cat first, and the sun’s come up and I need to go talk to the landlady.
My sister’s fiancee got the job near Cincinnati, so they’ll be staying, which made me really happy, but another part of my freak-out was over what will be happening to me. Am I going to find a job? Am I going to have to go on disability? Am I going to need to move back to Michigan and try to coexist with my parents? Am I even going to survive this? There’s a lot that’s up in the air and it’s all terrifying. I don’t know what to think but I do know that I’m terrified.
But it’s May now, and May’s going to be different, I just know it.