So last night, I was pretty bad off. Mom and I had another conversation about my future, and I just… shut down. I sobbed for a long while, and thought of different ways to kill myself, and how it would work, and if it would kill me without it hurting. I thought about my cat, and who would take her in, as nobody in my family cares for her, so I started writing what I would like to happen if I were to kill myself.
I… may have posted a will on tumblr.
Which freaked the hell out of a couple people for some reason. One friend wrote:
I don’t think moving away will be the end of the world for you, because you can still call and Skype your friends, right? I don’t really know what the fair is to you, but I’m sure if you express the desire to make amends with your parents maybe they’ll meet you half way! It doesn’t have to end like this! but if you feel it has to, I know I’ll miss you from my life. I know I’ve only followed you a really short time, you’ve really made me like Transformers again, and I love all the feminist and other things you post. Like you help me become a better person. I’ve really admired how strong you are through your personal posts and little life tidbits, though it embarrasses me to ‘like’ your personal posts because you don’t really know that, but I’m glad I’ve known you, because you deserve to be known and… missed…
And another friend sent me this note not long after:
No. Do not do it. Do not do what you’re thinking of doing. You are stronger then this and I swear if you do this I will find you and bring you back. Swear to all that is holy woman. And you know I will do this. You don’t deserve the shit life has handed you but I am still your friend. Your crazy, stupid, sometimes racist friend. Please don’t do this to yourself. Things have to get better. I believe this.
The second friend then went on to contact a mutual friend of ours on Facebook that he knew would have my phone number, as he didn’t. The first friend from tumblr then sent me a suicide prevention hotline number, and while I was talking to the person at the hotline, the mutual friend called.
I spent about an hour on the phone with her, sobbing most of the time. She agreed to take my cat, thinking it was because I might have to move in with my parents who don’t want a cat, and then when I explained the real reason, she told me that I was not allowed to kill myself, because my cat needs me, and I have so many friends that love me. She was frustrated over my situation but assured me that it would work out, somehow, and not to give up. I drew Boggle the Courage Owl on my arm to give myself a visual reminder that I am loved.
Throughout the evening, friends were messaging me over instant message, on Facebook, on tumblr, checking to make sure I was okay. My depression was deep last night, and I hurt so badly. I still hurt, though it’s lessened a little bit. I will call my therapist today to see when I can get in to see her again.
I started a disability claim yesterday, though I stopped when it started getting into the particulars of doctors I have seen, as I will have to do some sleuthing about dates and such. I was frustrated and upset because I can see things spiraling, and having been on the other side of the desk, I do not want to end up in the pit that is living on disability. It terrifies me. I will lose so much autonomy, so much flexibility in my life, that it hurts.
I think I can carve a niche out for myself again, and start over in Michigan- my parents have said in no uncertain terms that I *will* be moving in June, if a job doesn’t fall into my lap in the next week or two. But they don’t want me there, so I guess I will need an apartment up there. Just the thought of relocating is exhausting. I’ll lose so much here, in friends and hobbies.
The strangest thing was, a person I follow on tumblr appeared to be in the same pain I was, and was posting about suicide as well. I messaged her and encouraged her without any difficulty, and it was strange that here I was, so broken and convinced that dying would be better, and I’m talking to someone else in that same place. Her reply:
Me: Are you hurting as badly as I am right now? I’m trying hard to think of a reason to stick around and I think you are, too. I hope things will get better for you.
The voices..everyone keeps leaving me..If you stay here I will too. Don‘t leave, please, I love you.
Shortly afterward, I posted on my tumblr:
I called a suicide hotline, but while I was on the phone with them, one of my friends called. We talked for almost an hour. I’m feeling a lot better. I still don’t know what I’m going to do, but I DO know that I have a LOT of friends that love me very much and don’t want to lose me.
I love you all, too. Thank you.
She responded quickly:
Oh my god I’m crying. I’m so happy asdfghjlldjd i have nothing inspiring to say or anything like that..I’m speechless. I love you :”D
Shortly afterward, she posted to her blog:
I honestly thought I would die tonight. Yet, here I am.
Thank you guys so much. I love you all.
I messaged her again and said we can be strong together. I think we can do it.
So yeah. Tumblr saved my life.