(Clarification: This friend lives in New Zealand, and thus was awake when it was obscenely early o’clock, so I felt a little less awful for talking to him, than calling anyone local.)
Me: sorry I was so weird the other night
I was getting really manic… and then my parents’ internet crapped out
which probably saved you from a lot of weirdness.
Him: Oh? I wasn’t aware. You were fine. :3
Me: I hate it when I’m like that.
it led to a whole lot of awful with my family the next day
Him: *offers hug?*
Me: I can’t stop crying
Him: I’m at work now fyi
Me: and it’s really unfair of me to point this in your direction
Him: Should be ending soon
I can take it.
Me: it’s just a lot of family drama
I went home over the weekend for my sister’s bridal shower
and got manic, so I was really out of it on Sunday during the shower
and did nothing but piss my mom off again
so I’m pretty miserable right now
and so I’m being really awful and dumping on you, because you’re the only person who has any reason to be up thanks to timezones
as it’s 3:59 in the morning
Him: all the hugs.
if you were having an episode out of your control and she doesn’t recognize that then fuck your mum.
Me: I know I shouldn’t necessarily be making excuses for other people’s bad behavior
but I know it’s coming from a place of pain
because I remind her so much of my dad
so she’s always trying to fix me, and any reminders that I’m sick and will never be better is met with anger and hostility
Him: Not really an excuse though.
Me: no… but it’s easier to accept when I reframe it like that
I don’t deserve it
I’m literally a victim
Him: you really don’t
Me: but it’s easier to accept being victimized over and over again because I can’t fix it, when I can see why I’m being abused
Me: and god that looks horrible when I write it out
Him: …back. and yeah it really does.
Me: and any time I try to point it out, I just get yelled at and told I’m just acting like a victim and I need to grow up
and… it’s always been like that
and it hurts
Him: That.. sounds toxic.
Like. Incredibly so.
Me: yeah, a bit.
and no amount of talking about it with her fixes it
but right now I’m rather dependent on my parents to help me, y’know, have a place to live
as unemployment doesn’t pay all the bills
Him: oh god. When did that happen?
I got fired.
Me: and I can’t find another job
so I’m looking at maybe having to file for unemployment
and there goes the rest of my life
me: because the American safety net is a lot more like a spider’s web
you can’t escape it and it eats you alive
I would lose pretty much all of my autonomy for a pittance
and would end up dependent on SO MANY programs to be able to have a place to live, food, insurance so I can have medication…
I would only be able to see a limited number of doctors (and not my own, they don’t take Medicaid) and they’re all burned out and overworked
Him: Oh god
Me: I’d end up relying on a case manager who’s some fresh out of college kid like I was, who’s just trying to get started, and mostly likely does not give a shit, but I will have to rely on them advocating for me, because the system is set up so I can’t advocate for myself
most of the programs require a case manager to sign off on it, along with a psychiatrist
so I’d be at the system’s mercy
and having been on the other side of the desk?
the system is pretty merciless
Me: and then, if I was able to go back to work, all those programs would get ripped out from under me and I'd have to start over again
and if I became unemployed again it would start all over again.
Him: I’m so sorry Nadja.
Me: And my parents have made it VERY clear that they have no interest in me having to live with them.
so I am pretty much thinking I would be better off jumping off a bridge.
than be at the mercy of all of that.
Him: I really hope you don’t.
I hope it doesn’t come to that.
Me: me, too
I’m hungry, and I should probably go to bed
I’ve finally stopped crying
thank you for listening
Him: You’re more than welcome.
Me: Thanks. 🙂