All day, I’ve felt awful, like I want to cry. The tears are right there, hiding just behind my eyes, only held in check by my desire to not smear the makeup I’m wearing for interviews today. And once I got home, you can bet I cried. Still am, off and on.
I keep doing the math and I just can’t survive on this, I need a job that pays better, but there ARE no jobs, nobody will hire me, or even call me back. I’m desperate but so are so many other people, so I don’t even feel entitled to my own distress because other people have it worse. I still have a roof over my head, I still have a contingency plan, so I have no business being upset. Which just makes me feel worse and more miserable.
The thoughts are back. No amount of being positive is going to pay the rent and all my other bills on a regular basis.
I’m trapped and it hurts and I don’t feel like I deserve to live. I am a burden to my parents and to my friends and I can’t help it and it HURTS.
I’m crying again. I keep holding Chihiro and crying into her fur, and she’ll purr and cuddle with me for a bit. I’m not even sure if my parents will let me keep her at their house.
I feel paralyzed and helpless. I called mom after the first interview, and talked a bit, but it was noonish so she was busy and I had to let her go. She called me later after my second, and that phone call was weird. She got off the phone very quickly. I didn’t get the chance to really go into how I feel right now. Honestly, she probably doesn’t want to hear it. I’m sure she’s tired of it. I am, and I’m the one living it. It’s a wonder anybody actually reads this blog, I have no idea how interesting it is. I’m not funny like the Bloggess or Hyperbole and a Half. I want to be, I’d love to be, but that’s not how I write, how I think. I honestly am not entirely sure I feel that emotion right now.
I wish I hadn’t been born.