I set a new suicide avoidance goal: I want to go to 2014 BotCon, because it’ll be the 30th anniversary of Transformers. My older nephew will be six, so I want to take him with me, for his first convention. One of my friends and I are discussing cosplaying, and we’re thinking of doing a Beast Wars cosplay- my friend as Optimus Primal, myself as Rhinox, and my nephew as Cheetor. My nephew’s mom thinks he will love it, and I think so too. Of course, if he wants to cosplay as someone else, I’m open to it- there are several days, after all, so he can be a couple different characters if he wants. I’m trying not to think about finances and logistics of traveling with a vegan six-year-old, when it’s hard enough to find healthy food as an omnivore at a convention, and not spend every dime I have. I’m also thinking about whether or not I’ll hate myself if I also want to run a booth. It would make a good home base for my nephew, so he can rest and have snacks there, and I usually have a couple friends helping me, so I think I wouldn’t need to hover as much as I did the first time. It would help with financing the endeavor (though again, I’m trying not to think about it.) Just having something to look forward to, is giving me a lot of hope.

I found out that since my 401K came as a lump sum, because there wasn’t enough there to roll over into a private account, I can cash it and use it and it won’t count against my unemployment. There’s enough there to pay for another month’s rent, but I’m stuck in this crossroads of wondering if it’s worth it. I could just ferret it away, and go to Michigan after all, so I’ve got a little nest egg started. I’ve had such little luck with finding something here in Cincinnati, will another month help at all? I’m no closer to finding something than I was before. The part-time job would pay less in a month than I’m getting in unemployment, so I still would need to find something else, AND be making less than I am now, rendering it a completely stupid idea.

I just don’t know. I feel like this is a Sisyphean task and I just don’t know how many more times I can handle rolling this stupid boulder uphill before I just get run over with it when it falls back down. :/


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