Having trouble making any decisions

I wish I could say that I *definitely* have a plan, but all I’ve got is a vague idea of what needs to happen right now.

1. Don’t die.
2. Find a job.
3. ??????
4. Autonomy!

Yeah… not my best plan, but not my worst, either…

I wish I had the creativity right now to be creating things to sell. I WANT to, I just… can’t. I can’t even bear to go in my craft room right now, except to clean the litterbox. I don’t feel like I deserve anything. I’ve been having trouble making myself eat, because I don’t feel like I deserve food, because I haven’t worked for that food. That’s probably why I haven’t applied for food stamps (despite the fact that I probably qualify, what with my rent alone being so high compared to what I am getting in a month.)

I’m scared to check the mail. It’s all bills, mostly, bills I’m not sure how to pay. I have that lump sum from my 401K that I could use to get myself caught up, rather than buying myself more time here in Cincinnati, which I also feel I don’t deserve. If I can’t find a job in three months, how am I going to find one in four? Maybe mom’s right, and I’ve gotten myself blackballed around here.

I just need some sort of break, or just a sign that I’m going to be ok and be able to stay here, on my own, where I want to be.

I don’t even feel like I deserve to live bedbug-free. I’ve been fighting them since I lost my job and I just gave up on that, even. Though my sister is going to help me get the new cover on my box spring and hopefully that will fix it.

I’m hungry, but I don’t feel like I deserve to eat. I’ll probably sit here for a few hours longer until I finally decide to eat something, but I haven’t felt that I deserve groceries, either, so I’m just about out of food again.


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