From my LiveJournal, May 28th, 2013:
So I am here now, and all of my things are moved in, and I’m tackling things bit by bit- my parents will be thrilled that I have figured out (most) of my budget- I am taking wild guesses at what things will cost in the near future due to cancelling and starting things- but I have the stuff that never changes pretty well hammered out. I even figured out all of my medical bills, and how many payments I have left on things. I really, honestly CAN meet my goal of being everything but college debt-free in two years, which is awesome.
So yesterday mom and I went to visit my brother. We met him at a Denny’s, and found out that his wife has left for a job in Texas, they are splitting up, she took the older nephew (who is not my brother’s son legally) and left the baby with my brother. So mom is watching my nephew, who is a great kid, but still not yet two and I am on shaky ground to begin with, so I am helping where I can but mostly hyperventilating in corners and hiding in my room. I ended up having to leave the conversation where my brother was explaining what all had happened and go out to the car, and I sat there, crying, and contemplated walking out into the traffic on the fairly busy road I was looking at.
I still haven’t had a chance to talk to my stepdad about things and he’s officially started the passive-aggressive bullshit, including unplugging my laptop that was tucked under the couch and turning off the fan in my room and harping on me for leaving things on. My laptop now lives in my room and unfortunately, the door doesn’t even latch, much less lock, so I will be looking into that because I am stuck in the smallest room in the house, and the least I would like is some goddamn privacy. I’m going to commandeer a chair from somewhere else in the house so I can have a desk chair, and I can wedge one under the door handle. Not necessarily the safest option but I want to be able to feel safe here. Maybe mom will let me get a slide lock or something.
I am trying to toe the line and do what I am supposed to but I feel a breakdown simmering under the surface. I told my mom at least three times yesterday that I am scared to death of my stepdad right now and her response was “he’s under a lot of stress.”
Well, so am I, and I’m the one who’s passively suicidal a lot, so yeah.
I keep trying to explain that sure, I can keep trying to move forward, but I can feel it coming and I can only postpone it for so long. I don’t think she understands that I can’t make it completely NOT happen. My entire life has been inverted in the last seven days and I need a couple days to stare at a wall, be left alone, and be allowed to sleep and recover.
Mom took my nephew and went to go help my brother with packing things up, as his lease is up and he’ll be moving soon (and that’s a cluster all of its own) so I’ve been left in charge of the dog. I wish I could tell them that I can’t deal with a dog and ask them to foster HIM out. I really want to go lie down and I have been fighting back tears for a while, but I don’t know when my stepdad will get home and I don’t need to deal with his shit. There will be hell to pay if I am caught sleeping on his watch, I’m sure of it, because I’m being lazy under his roof.
I also feel like shit because now my brother’s life is falling apart and I’m sucking up resources he could have. I’m in the way and I can’t stop thinking that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. I know that isn’t healthy thinking but I am already being resented for being here and being sick, so it would probably make my stepdad happier.
I wouldn’t want my family to find me dead, but at the same time, I am getting a vicious thrill at the idea of him finding me dead and knowing it’s his fault. Juvenile and immature, I know, but it’s what’s in my head.