Tuesday was the first day in over a week that I was left to my own devices and was able to just *rest.* I got up, had some breakfast, went back to bed, got up for a bit and went for a walk with the dog (who tried to go for a swim in the river while chasing a duck,) took a nap when we got home… I had to take a klonopin before the nap because I was starting to get anxious about the situation again, but the nap helped a lot. I vacuumed the upstairs, and have been sort of wandering around ever since.
I have been having the worst nightmares since getting here. I wake up a lot at night, panicked and worked up. Most of the nightmares have the same setting: I’m on some sort of bizarre train/rollercoaster thing, with multiple tracks that start out side by side but all diverge. I’m trying to save people’s lives or help them to die peacefully if I’m already too late, and I’m always getting pulled onto other tracks before I can achieve anything. I’ve been having this nightmare for months, pretty much since losing my job, and it’s just getting worse. It used to be one of my more rare recurring nightmares but now it seems to be the only one. Sleeping during the day is the only time I don’t usually have them.
Mostly I’m just tired, and any time I let myself start thinking, I get worked up. I cried when I went to sleep because I miss my kitty. Said kitty continues to get into standoffs with the alpha kitty at her foster home, and it’s hilarious. Two grumpy old lady kitties who are NOT going to yield. I’ve been working on figuring out everything I need to do now that I’m in Michigan, and tackling things on that list. I’m not going as fast as my stepdad wants but he’ll just have to live. I can only do so much at once regardless, as stuff costs money and I don’t have any of that.
I may be riding down to Cincinnati with him later this week so I can get my car and bring it back. It depends on how I’m doing. My nephew being here is keeping everyone pretty well distracted, and while I want to say that I could watch him for a day, I’m not positive I can handle that. Small children freak me out and screaming makes me get panicky, so it might not be a good combination.
I’m just not sure where to go from here, because up doesn’t feel possible any more…