I’m back!

Good lord, I’ve been having trouble with my internet since I got back, so this is the first time I’ve had it working and also remembered to write something. :/ I had a lovely time at the cabin, and it was great to get to spend some time with my grandparents, who are both in their late seventies/early eighties. I got a ton of sleep- I was even sleeping without having to take any klonopin! I only took like, four, the whole week I was gone. Usually I take two just to get to sleep due to anxiety that chokes me as soon as I lie down. While my grandparents have their own issues, my grandmother in particular was very supportive. She asked on the first day about what she can do to help, and we had a couple talks when I had to get things out.

Of course, all vacations have to end, and as soon as I got home, the anxiety flared right back up. I slept terribly the first night I was back. Of course, I never sleep right the first night I’m anywhere, as I’ve got to get used to the amount of light, the bed, the ambient noises… I had gotten used to the loons that were being super noisy outside every night, and there aren’t any loons here. I was also anxious about my intake appointment at the place to go to groups and potentially get into therapy.

That appointment was Thursday, and went really well, but all intakes are a bit on the intense side. It took about three hours in all to get all the paperwork done and finish the intake interview. The group is a mix of cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy, and sounds quite a bit like something I used to teach. It’s a twelve-week course but you can jump in at any time, so I’ll be attending Wednesday evenings. There is therapy as well, but that costs money. I asked how much and it’s something like $38/session on the sliding scale, which is actually almost affordable for me, especially if I go twice a month. I asked if I could do both at the same time and the intake worker wasn’t positive and said she would get back to me on that. I can, however, opt to switch at any time, if I decide the group isn’t going to be very helpful for me. I’ll go one or two sessions before I make that decision.

I didn’t sleep at all Thursday night, partly because I fell into a Cracked.com black hole, and partly because I was still working my way through the intake session in my head. Both of my parents were very concerned that I was still up when they were getting ready for work Friday morning, and I was interrogated by both of them about whether or not I took my medication, why I couldn’t sleep, etc. It irritated me, but at least I wasn’t being yelled at, I suppose. I’ll take my victories when I get them. My stepdad told me when I got back that he’s decided to “start over” on our relationship and seems to be making an effort to understand, though I was still extremely nervous. Mom then told me Friday morning that he’s really trying and it takes two to fix a relationship and I had the hardest time not crying or starting to rant about how I didn’t break it in the first place and I really don’t want to try this time, but I bit my tongue. We’ll see how it goes, I guess. He’s been acting reasonable ever since I got back, but this has me on high alert even more than before. I’m afraid we’ll go right back to where we were the first time he gets pissed off that I’m still asleep after whatever time he feels I should be awake or I say or do something that he doesn’t approve of, which happens on a fairly regular basis.

I’ve never been on the receiving end of a treatment plan, but one was made. It was primarily focused on attending group, as that’s mostly what they do there. It’s very weird to be on this end. Of course, looking over it makes me feel like I’ve failed, as mentally I’ve placed myself in the client role instead of clinician, which definitely makes me feel all kinds of terrible. I know it’s my own biases rearing their ugly heads, but it’s definitely there. I primarily was focused on the goal of getting along better with my parents and coping better in that respect, but as my mom said, it takes two (or three) to fix a relationship, and I feel like thus far I have been the one doing about 90% of the work. I talked about how tired I am of being treated like I’m still a teenager, and about how my experiences are dismissed out of hand and they are constantly on me about my activity level as if taking a walk every day will magically fix me. It’s amazing what all exercise is going to cure for me- my difficulty sleeping, my overall mood, my being fat, and no amount of saying “this has historically done nothing for me and I doubt it’s going to start doing something, please stop harping on this” seems to help. Mom even said on Friday morning “I know I sound like a broken record, but…”

I felt like a teenager again as I tried not to roll my eyes clean out of my head. Yes, I know your stance on exercise. I swear I do. I would sign a form in triplicate with my own blood to confirm that yes, I know you think getting more exercise will fix me. I would do just about anything to convince them that I understand that, and while I don’t think it’s going to help, I *am* getting exercise. I know that exercise and overall fitness, not being a specific weight, or trying weight loss, is the key to good health. But as I said to my grandmother, “If I die because I’m fat at age 70, at least the mental illness didn’t kill me.” I’m not the one who’s fatphobic, after all. My family is. I have more important things to worry about, like surviving living with my parents again.

And with that said, the dog and I are going for a walk.

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