So much on my mind that it hurts

So the antibiotics my cat is on, does not appear to have helped, so she might be looking at losing another tooth. I’m pretty sure it’s the one they originally thought about removing, but wanted to give it a chance. She goes to the vet Saturday, and her foster mom will call me afterwards to let me know what’s going on.

I’ve started making cat jewelry to sell, and probably will have to do another fundraiser. I raised a good chunk of the surgery cost, but there have been two vet visits now, and another Saturday, so I’m in about $700 on my CareCredit card that I want to pay off ASAP. If there’s another surgery, god only knows how much that’ll cost.

So far I’ve made four pairs of earrings, and then ran out of the surgical steel earwires I usually use, so I guess I need to make an order. I have a ton of fabulous vaseline glass beads that are pressed cat faces. Vaseline glass is amazing because it is actually made with traces of depleted uranium. They give off less radiation than the normal background radiation we’re exposed to daily, and people have houses full of the stuff with no ill effect. It’s dark-light activated, and can glow a little bit if exposed to a very bright flash of light. I at one time had round vaseline glass beads but those appear to have disappeared, so I might order some more of those to make the earrings a bit more exciting. I’ll just trawl ebay to see what sort of cat beads I can find, I suppose. I also have a cat stamp to make charms like I make for my Transformers jewelry.

Needless to say, I was really upset by this news, and as the neighborhood was exploding yesterday night, and the windows were all open, I ended up having a really bad episode. Now, on the fourth proper, Mom closed all the windows and turned on the A/C so I wouldn’t have as much of a problem. It’s helping dramatically. That, and the local idiots aren’t shooting off fireworks at home, as they’re all off to the big firework shows. Maybe later tonight it’ll get awful but I’m hoping not.

The wedding is this weekend. I finished everything I needed to finish, everything is ready to go, and tomorrow my only job is to empty and clean out my car (YAY MY CAR IS HOME) so I can drive people out to the wedding. My tiny two-door hatchback is all that’ll be available, as I can’t drive a stick, so I get to cram three tall adults and a toddler with seat into it, not to mention everyone’s overnight bags and dress clothes. We’ll probably look like a car full of clowns, but Yarises are actually pretty roomy once you actually get into it. Mom told me today that one of the bridesmaids will be sleeping in the room I was given with another person, and I really did not want to have to share a bed. I do not do so gracefully and I sleep terribly, and I’ve got to turn around and drive a bunch of people and a toddler BACK across the state the next day… I dunno. It’s at a bed and breakfast so I’m not entirely positive it’s a two double bed room to begin with. We might all be expected to share a queen or something. Which means I might just go sleep in my car.

I’m trying to keep it together for the wedding, that’s all. This has been my suicide goal for a while, so now I need to set a new one. (For clarification, a suicide goal is something to look forward to that I will think of if I am feeling suicidal, to help me keep going.) I’d had the goal of taking my older nephew to BotCon 2014, but now that his mother has taken him and gone to Texas, and my brother has no legal claim over him due to never formally adopting, I’m not sure I’ll ever see him again. My younger nephew is two, so I don’t think BotCon is in the cards for him for a while. 2020, maybe. I guess BotCon 2014 can still be my goal, but with being so very broke, every time I start thinking about the future I get depressed.

I did decide what I think I want to do. I want to become a sign language interpreter. There’s a very good program at the community college near here, and as I already have a Bachelor’s, I wouldn’t need to take all the other classes, just the ASL classes, and once I’ve taken those I can go take the certification test. That would be something that I think would let me feel helpful without making me feel so emotionally exposed. And I can still go back for my Master’s, and become a therapist. There aren’t many therapists who are bilingual, and I’m sure therapists that can communicate in ASL are very rare, so I would basically be printing my own money at that point.

…Granted, at the rate I’m going I’ll be 50 by the time I get to that point, but it’s something to strive for.

So yes. At least I feel like I have a clue of what I want to do when I grow up. Now if only I could find a job to help support this dream (the program is three years, though I wonder if I could speed it up as I wouldn’t need general studies classes) and get me into my own place again, and get my Chihiro home with me where she belongs. I feel like the worst cat mom in the world. I want to ask my parents about bringing her here again after the wedding, but I’m pretty sure I know the answer already. It can’t hurt to try, though.

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