As if third wheel wasn’t bad enough, try being fifth wheel for a while

So my sister and her now-husband returned from their honeymoon in Ireland laaaaate Thursday night/Friday morning, and were here for a few days to just rest before heading back down to Cincinnati on Sunday. It was great to see them, and they’re so very happy, but it’s hard not to feel a bit maudlin about it. I wasn’t necessarily jealous, but it’s hard to watch them be so very couple-y and lovey on each other, and have their ducks so nicely in a row, where here I am, functionally homeless, my cat, who is very much my family, in another state, and still unemployed, with no hope in sight. Anywhere we went, it was my parents, my sister and her husband, and me, so it was two couples plus their awkward fifth wheel. I wanted to cry periodically throughout the weekend, and I wasn’t sleeping well, as they took the fan from my room as my sister’s husband can’t sleep without a fan and had not slept well their entire trip.

Of course, I can’t sleep without a fan, either, so I had trouble sleeping the entire weekend, not falling asleep until very late and then sleeping most of the morning, and getting left behind for various outings. On Sunday morning I didn’t actually fall asleep until somewhere around 8 AM after repeatedly getting up to read, or make some jewelry, and finally talking to my mom at the wee hours of morning. I talked with her about how I was feeling, and she agreed that it was hard to not compare yourself, and she didn’t make a big deal about it as I was afraid she was going to, so that was reassuring. We talked about bills, too, and about how I want to get my debt resolved. Mom explained that as far as bankruptcy court is concerned, medical debt is at the bottom of the list, so while it’s good that I want to get those bills paid, I need to stop stretching myself so thin to pay everything and just worry about them one at a time. I don’t want to get sent to collections, but I’m unemployed right now, so I don’t know what else to do.

I did apply at the bank on Friday, and the job is unfortunately part-time, but it did give me a couple ideas for additional places to look for employment in town. Looking online turned up a few jobs but I will continue to go hand out my resume in person while dressed to the nines and hope it lands me something. At least the heatwave broke and it’s not hot as hell outside; on Friday I was in a pantsuit and I drove the four blocks to the bank simply so I didn’t melt into a puddle on the way.

I’ll be heading to Canada for TFCon on Thursday, now. I had been thinking about Wednesday but I remembered I have group, and I missed it last week due to being on nephew duty, so I really need to go. My family has the cabin the week after, but three of my nieces and my nephew will be up there, so I’m not sure I’ll go up when I get back from Canada. I’ve already been to the cabin once this year, and my family has another week in August where only my oldest niece would be going. As much as I want to see my nephew experience the cabin for the first time, I don’t think being around four kids all under the age of five for most of a week will do very much for my mental health. I also really need to be looking for work.

I’m getting scared, but there are options. I can always go to Wendy’s, or I can do temp work, as much as that makes me twitchy and nervous, and if I can land at least part-time at a higher wage, it’ll help. Mom wants me to put my name on lists for sliding-scale apartments, which makes sense, as I could end up in this spot all over again, so I hopefully would be able to retain my apartment even if I lose a job again in the future.


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