I haven’t been sleeping well ever since I got my summer cold that wouldn’t end, and so I’ve been sleeping in bursts of a few hours with a few hours in the middle of anxiety and general wide-awake-ness. I had a bit of rapid cycling once I started getting better, so I bought some yarn and a hook (I have NO idea where my hooks are in my storage unit) and have been learning a new pattern to keep my hands busy, so I don’t end up too manic. I wound up down in the kitchen early Saturday morning after being wide awake since 1:30 AM. My mom usually gets up between 4 and 5, so I was hoping to get a chance to talk to her about my worries about what to do now that I have two weeks of unemployment left. She had asked previously about me filing the federal extension, so I was thinking she wanted me to do that so I’d be available to babysit for my brother. My original plan was to just go get on the schedule at Wendy’s, and try to put the bulk of my hours on the weekend so I’d have time during the week for job interviews, if I ever manage to get any in this goddamn state. I had wanted to start ASL classes in the fall but I don’t think I can take working at Wendy’s and going to school part-time. I was also worried that I would be expected to make one of my off days Wednesdays so I could watch my nephew, and that additional pressure would probably be too much, too.
Mom said that she doesn’t expect me to be available as a babysitter, it has just been convenient up until this point, but I definitely need to keep my cash flow as steady as possible so I don’t get behind on bills. I was also worried about the fact that I haven’t had any interviews and the periodic comments about how I “make my stepdad crazy” and how my parents want to sell the house and move so they’re closer to work, and they don’t want to get a big house. Mom said she needs me to “stay sane” because she can’t deal with one more thing going wrong, as my brother is trying to find a good job so we’re watching my two-year-old nephew a lot, and her aging parents are needing a lot of assistance these days and she’s been pouring a lot of time into them.
I seriously wonder if she understands just how much pressure “you need to stay sane” puts on me. I have a mental illness, my #1 goal is to remain sane and stable, reminding me of it when I come to you with problems is not helping. She said the reason she hasn’t been “warm and fuzzy” with me is because she’s basically too busy with other people to have time for my problems, and I’ve just been trying to stay out of the way and be helpful. Mom did thank me for keeping up with chores around the house because it does take some of the pressure off, and she didn’t want me to get stressed out about things because she doesn’t want me to get unstable.
I’m going to the cabin from Sunday to Wednesday, and mom told me that she needs me to not have my sleep schedule messed up while I’m up there. I’m not sure how my sleep schedule has anything to do with being on vacation, other than it irritates my parents when it’s off (and it’s always off to them, as I am a night owl and they are not, so sleeping until 8 or later makes my stepdad mad anyway.)
I didn’t get a chance to air all of my anxieties before mom had moved on to talking about how my grandparents are doing, and my brother’s current job prospect at IBM that he’s been trying to learn Java in two weeks for, and starting to pack things to go up to the cabin, as they went up on Saturday. They didn’t want me to come up until Sunday so they could hang out with one of my stepsisters and her husband while they were up, and I’m leaving Wednesday so my parents can have time with another stepsister and her boyfriend who will be coming up mid-week. I’ll also be bringing the dog back with me so my parents can then go wander the Upper Peninsula without having to worry about a dog. I did volunteer for that. And I know it’s their vacation too, but the way I sort of got slotted in bothers me. I’ll be bringing my ‘adopted’ sister up with me and we’ll hit some touristy stuff on the way, as she’s never been up to the cabin for a non-working weekend (either open or close weekend, when they work on big improvement projects and get the cabin ready for the summer or winter.)
I just… I don’t know. I feel like I can’t talk to mom without her sort of closing off and getting defensive on me, or me closing off on her. I’ll try to talk to her again while I’m at the cabin, as a lot of the other pressures are usually better when we’re there.