I’m destroying everything

My parents came back from the UP on Sunday, and after helping them bring everything in, I admitted to my mom that I couldn’t afford pants or shoes for work because I spent so much money getting myself and my adopted sister up and back (over $100 just in gas and food, not counting me being stupid with money and actually buying things for myself.) I haven’t even mentioned the medication I need, because just talking about work pants and shoes made my mom get that look, that pinched look between the eyes that tells me I’m asking for too much, that makes me want to throw up and go hide somewhere, that makes me feel eight again.

We watered plants and she said she has some money in her account so she could get me work pants and shoes, but she said that she needed to go talk with my stepdad first. I asked if it was about me, because I could figure out something if it was too much, but she said it was because on the way back he said he thinks they need counseling. He feels that my mom is just ignoring the problem of me and my brother, or something. I’m not sure what exactly that is, or why he’s got such an axe to grind against us, and why he’s so negative and critical of EVERYTHING. He’s constantly fretting over the house and wanting to sell it, wanting to move so he’s closer to work and doesn’t have to drive so far, afraid that he’s going to lose his job (as he works for GM, this has been hovering over his head the ENTIRE TIME he’s worked there, I don’t know why it’s suddenly a bigger problem) and he takes his fear out on the rest of us. He’s critical and angry and I just don’t understand.

I’m finally working again. Granted, yes, I’m back to minimum wage, but that doesn’t mean I won’t keep looking for something better. It might lead to another breakdown but I’m trying to fend that off; I’ve already ended up on the phone with 1-800-SUICIDE once in the last week.

I wish I could afford to move out, I really, really do. But I don’t have the money for anything other than my bills, car, medical, and otherwise. I can tell my stepdad resents me and I just don’t know WHY. He was really critical of me when I was up north, so I feel like going up there was a mistake. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I wish I could just pack up and go somewhere else to stay, but I can’t pay anyone else for my room and board, either, and I am tired of being a charity case.


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