I feel broken.

So I’ve been a diligent little worker bee at Wendy’s, and have been able to pick things back up easily enough. The ordering system is a bit different and a ton of food has changed, but I’m getting faster at taking orders and fixing my inevitable mistakes with a minimum of trouble (though the one manager I don’t know has been really unhelpful when I mess up, yelling at me about it every time).

They moved my group to Tuesdays after I went to a lot of trouble making sure I had Wednesdays off, so I was able to talk someone into taking my afternoon so I could I finally make it to group after missing it for three weeks in a row. I wound up crying about my situation right now and just how depressed and hopeless I feel right now. I’m making less on minimum wage than I was on unemployment, so I just don’t know what’s going to have to give.

Chihiro needs MORE dental work, as the “iffy” tooth from before has started affecting the teeth near it, and two of the little ones have fallen out completely. I’m stressed and worried about her, and she’s so far away. I started a new fundraiser to hopefully help but right now, I’m so beaten down about it, I don’t even know what to do.

I keep getting denial letters from possible employers. Mom keeps telling me I need a “network” but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that when even temp agencies won’t take me once I explain what happened at my old job.

I just want to give up. I’ve already been stripped of so much; my life, my apartment, my independence, my cat, a good chunk of my furniture, my bike, my sewing machine… All I have left is my car that I don’t know if I can afford, and jewelry that isn’t selling. I don’t have the energy for shows after putting in so much time at Wendy’s, as it’s physically exhausting labor. Even a short four or five hour shift leaves me completely exhausted and drained. I have Wednesday off, but I don’t know what I’ll accomplish other than sleeping and some chores. I have some new jewelry to photograph but I just don’t even care about that anymore.

I’m breaking apart again and I don’t know what to do other than just give in. My heart, pride, and spirit are broken; what else is left to break? If someone is trying to teach me some sort of lesson, I think I’ve learned it now and I’m ready to start over.

Oh, and my brother might be getting a job at the company my sister works at, and thus will move to Cincinnati, the one place I want to be more than anything else.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “I feel broken.

  1. Concerned

    I’m sorry things are going so poorly! Have you considered going on disability for your bipolar?

    • Disability isn’t really an option yet, as I still *can* work, even if it’s just minimum wage, so I’m not considered disabled enough. I would also definitely lose everything if I had to go on disability, because I could not afford to finish paying off my car, and I would probably have to declare bankruptcy to get my other debt sorted out, though I would STILL have student loans to pay off, because those don’t go away until you pay them off or die. I would end up completely dependent on food stamps, Medicaid, Medicare, housing benefits, and every other social safety net that exists just to survive, and it’s a really miserable way to live.

      • Concerned

        “but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that when even temp agencies won’t take me once I explain what happened at my old job.” What exactly do you tell them? I think all you would have to say is that you did not reach the quota/units that were required. That is a simple, honest explanation without delving into your illness, etc.

      • I have been explaining that I didn’t meet my productivity, but I have been trying to also explain that there were extenuating circumstances, and that part of it was due to my being ill at the time. No matter what I say it looks bad.

  2. Joe

    My heart goes out to you. I so badly want to die but can’t seem to gather up the courage. I see no hope for the future, short-, medium-, or long-term. I hope things get better for you!

    • Hold on, Joe. I know it’s hard when there’s no hope. Are you taking anything for depression, or have a regular doctor? I highly recommend seeking treatment if you aren’t already. If you are, of course, it can’t hurt to review your course of treatment with your provider. In the meantime, though, try to find one thing that makes you happy and focus all of your energy on it. I set “suicide goals,” which are future things I am looking forward to, so I can’t commit suicide before I do that thing. Every time I reach a suicide goal I set a new one. Write it down on the calendar, or on a mirror, or somewhere you’ll see it. Write a list of things you want to do and pick one.

      I know it’s hard. I’m just clawing my way up from that spot and have been for like, two years, so I know that hurt. All that’s kept me going quite a few times has been my cat, or my Transformers friends.

      *hugs* Good luck, and thanks for your kind words.

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