So let me tell you the story of the last week or so, since I fell off the map at some point last week.

So… I sort of had a breakdown at work/after work on Friday.

The manager who bullies me was more horrible than usual, going out of her way to say nothing to me for about three hours. She ignored me completely and would work around me. When she did talk to me, it was with a lot of eye-rolling and huffing, and making snide comments behind my back. As I was only about four feet away from her, I got to hear it all. I started having a panic attack about mid-shift and took a klonopin. When I got home I felt awful, but I hoped a few hours of time on the internet would help. I took two klonopin as usual with my evening meds, and went to bed by midnight.

I spent the rest of the night unable to breathe or sleep, as my entire shift continued to play repeatedly in my head. I had wanted to set boundaries, or just leave, but I didn’t, and I beat myself up not standing up for myself. I wanted to talk to the general manager about this manager’s behavior but couldn’t until at least the next day. I ended up taking two more klonopin as the night went by, trying desperately to stop the panic attack. I was dressed and ready to go to the hospital when my mom got up. She had noticed I didn’t look quite right when I got home, and was surprised that I didn’t hang around to watch Iron Man 3, which they had rented, and I love tremendously. She and I talked for a long time, and went for a walk, and I was starting to feel better, and very tired, thanks to waaaaay too much klonopin. I knew I was in no state to work, so I called in, which must’ve been frustrating because I’d picked up half of those hours the night before. I knew I’d be comatose or a complete zombie on my feet, and that’s not safe. I spent most of the day asleep, and went for another walk with my mom once I got up. Once I’d had some dinner and a walk, I was feeling better, though I still felt like I was someplace outside of my body, just observing, and emotionally numb.

I slept SO WELL Saturday night, and was so conked out, I couldn’t wake up until about 3:00 PM on Sunday. I got ready for work at 4:30 and realized I had a bunch of messages on my phone. The GM had written the hours I’d picked up for me, but evidently I agreed to come in earlier at some point with the closing manager for Sunday night, and was supposed to have been there by 3:20. Oops.

However, I also got a call from a job that had weirdly enough popped up on my Facebook feed, for an office manager. I had applied to it on a whim, and was actually called back. I was able to get into contact with the woman who was doing the interviews and scheduled one for 12:30 on Monday, so wish me luck!

Sunday night I still felt weird, and was up front for a few hours. I don’t know where anything is up there, and the sandwich maker was coordinating the orders just fine on her own, so I felt mostly useless and exposed. I came home on my break because it was quite frankly much warmer there, and talked with my mom about how I was feeling sort of paranoid and weird. She told me to try not to read so much into how people were treating me, as half of the staff still don’t know what to think about me and give me funny looks a lot. I was put on the drive thru when I got back, and the return to comfortable familiarity did a lot of good. I was able to talk with the closing manager, whom I’ve worked with for years, about what happened and my hopes that a conversation with the GM on Monday would help. She didn’t share my enthusiasm but hoped for my sake that something might come of it. All else fails, I will involve the nice people who help with the Americans with Disabilities Act, and who will mediate problems at jobs. If it doesn’t end up helping me in the long run, it should help others. Managers should not be rude and bully their employees, at least without consequences for that behavior. The job is stressful enough without help from within.

Hopefully this office manager job pans out, as it is full-time, and hopefully reasonably scheduled, paid, and insurance’d. We’ll see tomorrow.

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Filed under Mental Health Rights, Now

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