Stress accumulates

…Especially when you work minimum wage, don’t get a full 40 a week, ache everywhere all the time, have no disposable income, and live in your parents’ house, it seems.

I haven’t heard anything as of writing this Tuesday night about the job, but I can’t remember if they were doing callbacks Tuesday or Wednesday, but I think it was Wednesday. I’ve definitely been reluctant to be far from my phone, though. I’m trying not to get all bent out of shape and worked up over it, because that never leads to good places. I spent a LOT of time meditating Monday night to keep things in perspective, and am going to do some more right after I finish this post.

I still haven’t managed to corner the GM to have a conversation about everything that happened last week. Some of the emotional numbness has worn off, so I’m back to feeling emotionally tired and drained. I was only at work a couple hours Tuesday and wound up sleeping the entire afternoon because I just couldn’t do it. I was able to go to the store for some toiletries, and start some laundry, anyway. I plan to get some actual housework done Wednesday as it’s my day off, and it’ll give me something to make me feel like I’m contributing again. I had been doing a LOT of cleaning when I wasn’t working and now I’m not, and I feel guilty for that. Not to the point of distress, but it still is this itchy feeling between my shoulder blades, that I’m being scrutinized and found lacking.

I also feel a little brittle again, which also might explain the sleeping. Whenever I’ve had a particularly bad episode I feel brittle for a while and it takes quite some time to get back to normal. I’ve been making an effort to pamper myself and get enough sleep so I don’t end up getting worse. It might annoy my parents, but considering I generally just stay in my room anyway, I don’t really feel all that concerned about it. I’ve been trying to get back into yoga, too, as it helps with the constant ache in my back, knees, and feet, from standing in one place for hours at a time. I hate just popping ibuprofen all the time. Contrary to my mom’s belief that I’d rather just take a pill for everything, I generally try to just deal with pain, because I take enough OTHER pills that my poor liver and kidneys are probably already taking a beating, so I try not to add additional pills. My dad almost died of an aspirin overdose once, and all I remember is him foaming at the mouth, telling me he couldn’t see or hear, and asking for gatorade because it was “just a cold.”

…Huh. That might explain why I was really reluctant to drink gatorade as a kid. (We never had any in the house, and I remember being distressed at not being able to give him what he was demanding, but he was too weak to do anything to me in response.) I drink it now because I am constantly dehydrated and very sensitive to light/heat thanks to about three different medications. I’m so much fun out in public, I swear. I’ve got to have sunscreen and a neverending supply of gatorade and water, I need to sit down and rest a lot of it’s hot and spend as much time in the shade as possible, I’m prone to heat strokes… This is probably why I am not exactly a social butterfly. Especially after my heat stroke at Disneyworld, my friends who were present for that are hyper-vigilant about my overall state and they pack snacks and drinks for me on top of the snacks and drinks I usually am already carrying. Hell, I had a custom holder made for my garb so I can carry around a gatorade bottle without it being obvious that’s what it is, and I have so many pouches hanging off of me it’s ridiculous. I think my belt alone weighs about 20 pounds when I’m well-prepared and the weather’s going to be hot.

Most of those things were not useful when it was cold and raining the whole day when I made it to the Michigan Renaissance Faire, though. I ended up buying a new scarf to add to the scarf I was already wearing as a headwrap to try and keep a little more dry. I do not like being soggy.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent there. Not that tangents are really all that unusual for me…

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