So, yesterday was the first single shift day after four days of doubles. (For reference, a shift at Wendy’s is about 4-5 hours.) I was looking forward to a short day tucked in my corner, taking money and joking with the girl I’m usually scheduled with.
I got put on front register.
I’m a very good cashier; I’m good with money, I’m personable, and I joke with people and make them happy. But I felt exposed and unsure and uncomfortable the whole day, which was definitely noticed by the GM, who was up front coordinating for both cashiers during lunch rush. After I completely screwed up a pot of decaf coffee (the filter slipped and it was full of grounds) and I definitely said “Aw, gross,” really loud, which is not something anybody likes to hear from a worker at a restaurant (and I definitely got called out on,) my nerves were completely shot. The GM took me to task for it once the line was gone, trying to figure out why I was such a hot mess. She said “You’ve looked like a bumbling idiot up here all day, and you’re better than that. What’s wrong? Did you take your meds today?”
I had just finished pouring a cup of the rebrewed decaf, and I just started crying. “Yes, I took them,” I said, and I went to take the coffee to the gentleman who had been waiting for it. The GM realized I was crying when I returned, and she hugged me and assured me that everything was OK, she was just worried about me, and sent me to the back room to calm down. The girl I’m usually scheduled with in the corner was worried when she saw I was crying.
“Wait, are you crying? There’s no crying at Wendy’s! Please tell me someone had a baby, or is getting married, that this is good crying.” I wasn’t entirely sure why I was crying, just that I was emotionally tired from being at work so much, and I told her so. I ended up staying late because the manager I don’t get along with wouldn’t let me go home until my replacement, who was in the back room at the time, got all of the chicken and potatoes finished back there, as there is nobody in the back room between 4 and 4:30 and the manager didn’t want to do it herself. Oh well. I didn’t get to clock in for a half-hour when I got there this morning because there wasn’t a line, so I made up 20 minutes of it.
When I got home, mom was already home, and she looked worried when I said I’d been crying and was still fighting tears some two hours later. I’d managed to pull it together at work, but I was falling apart now that I was home. Mom was heading out on a walk with the dog but she offered to walk with me and take a shorter route, but I was tired and felt gross and just wanted to shower. The slightly hysterical feeling was still there after a shower and starting the laundry so I had a clean uniform for Tuesday, so I decided maybe I needed to take a nap.
I lay down around five. I woke up ten minutes after midnight. I still feel a bit off, but it’s better, and now I’m going to go take my meds and go back to sleep for another few hours before work.
I’ve been having weird dreams for the last couple of nights, really vivid nightmares often involving me dying, because I’m running low on klonopin and can’t afford more right now, so I’ve been skipping my usual nighttime dose. Evidently that has been what slowed down my nightmares, because dear lord, they’re scary, and so very real. One nightmare I had, I was on a ladder in the back room at Wendy’s, getting down a box of saltines, and I fell and cracked my skull open and died because nobody noticed until it was too late. I vowed not to get anywhere near a ladder that day, and when one of the managers asked me to go get a box of saltines I flat-out refused and told her my dream. As my propensity for injuring myself is well-known, she wisely sent someone else to get them. (I don’t know why anyone lets me anywhere near a ladder in the first place. I think mostly it’s because nobody sees when I go get it. There is a grabber-thing for getting lightweight stuff off of shelves and I’m pretty much limited to using that anyway.)
Hopefully Tuesday will be blessedly short, and I can enjoy it, and Wednesday being FREE. Though I will probably sleep all day because I’m just tired to my bones and not get anything done again.
…Sooo…. the tags button and the scheduler button both aren’t working, which is why this got posted at 4:37 AM on Tuesday, with no tags. This is frustrating.